


Fallstuck

by Cookiemonster2000



Category: Gravity Falls, Homestuck
Genre: Adventures, Crushes, Discovering Powers, F/M, Falling In Love, I edited the relationship tags to include, Implied or Otherwise, John and Jade are cousins, Just hang on, MORE SHIPS TO BE ADDED AS THEY OCCUR. EXPECT ALL CANON SHIPS TO BE AT LEAST TOUCHED ON., New Friends, Non-Sburb, Not all ships are endgame, ONLY relationships that are CURRENTLY a thing, Prophesies, Read at Own Risk, Rose And Dave Are Twins, Shenanigans, THERE WILL BE A HELL OF A LOT MORE SHIPPING, Time Travel, Work In Progress, crossover fics, doing the best i can, non-sburb AU, the only reason this is "M" is because Karkat opens his mouth to speak, the trolls aren't in alternia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-03-28 17:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13908798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookiemonster2000/pseuds/Cookiemonster2000
Summary: The two Strider-Lalonde twins move in with their great aunt Roxy in Oregon for the summer for some "fresh air" and "memory making." The two are less than thrilled--Rose had her heart set on spending the break from high school working on her novel, drinking tea, and reading, and Dave just wanted to hang around town with his buddies and write rap music--but they quickly realize there's more to the little town than meets the eye. With their two brand-new best friends in tow, they're going to not only go on ass-kicking adventures, gain superpowers, and fulfill an ancient prophesy, but they're on track to discover the true dramatic past that links their families together and the real mystery of the monsters/aliens/whateversliving in the forest.Where doing this man. Where making this happen.*****UNDER FORMATTING RENOVATION*****





	1. Be DAVE STRIDER.

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, it's 2018, I was too young for Homestuck when it was in full swing so I just read it last month and am in love. 
> 
> Too bad the fandom's dead.
> 
> Whatever. Get ready for some seriously awkward teenage interactions and dumb crushes, relationship confusion nearly as bad as in the original comic, and crazy, mind-boggling time shenanigans.
> 
>  
> 
> **NOTICE: I am looking for a beta reader for this work. Nothing too difficult, and no previous experience is necessary; just please have a good eye for and knowledge of spelling and grammar. Other suggested edits are welcomed as well!**
> 
>  
> 
> **If you're interested, either comment or shoot me a message at thecookieshop.tumblr.com . <3**

Begin?

=>  
Your name is DAVE STRIDER. You are SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. You love RAP MUSIC and SWORDS. And you don't want to be sitting in a bus, driving away from everything you know and tolerate. It becomes especially intolerable after AN ENTIRE DAY of sitting in said bus.

Beside you on your seat, your BACKPACK sits. It is full of VARIOUS WEAPONRY, which you assume you will need in order to defend yourself from your AUNT, who you are going to stay with an ENTIRE SUMMER. You are assuming her unfortunate affinity for ALCOHOL has not gone away, despite what your guardians say, and are mentally prepared for the worst. Along with your weapons, the bag contains COOL CLOTHES and a pair of BACKUP SHADES for in case you break the ones you never take off. No electronics, except your PHONE CHARGER. Your PHONE is sitting in your hand, headphones over your ears, playing your BEST OF SNOOP PLAYLIST you've been tuning out for the last ten minutes. Shame.

In the row ahead of you, your twin sister, ROSE, has her face buried in her BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES. She's not happy about the trip, either, but she hasn't been nearly as vocal about it. She tends to ACCEPT HER FATE in circumstances like this. Her KNITTING sits in her basket on the seat beside her, abandoned. 

Her BACKPACK is much smaller, and contains the BARE NECESSITIES--clothes, toothbrush, etc. She packs light. Beside her, however, are a stack of ASSORTED NOVELS AND ENCYCLOPEDIAS which she clearly means to finish before the end of the summer, a VAGUELY FRIGHTENING CONCEPT. She is READING FURIOUSLY as if her life depends upon it.

What will you do?

 

Dave stretched out and pulled his headphones out, yawning. Rose blinked, and looked back at him.

"You all right?" he asked, leaning over her and draping his arms over the seat backing.

"It's fine." she sighed. "It might not be as bad as we think."

"Bad? What are you talking about, bad? It's gonna be fuckin' awesome. We're gonna have so much fun in this hick town with our alcoholic aunt who's barely old enough to drink. S' great."

She looked at him sarcastically. "All right, then, if you put it that way, it's going to be _just_ as bad as we think."

"Hey, you said it, not me."

She set the book down and turned around to look him in the eye. "Look, can we agree to make the best of this and stay out of each other's way, for the most part?"

That was unexpected. "'Scuse me?"

"I mean, clearly, we get along better than most siblings. Mostly due to the fact that we have our own lives and aren't always in each others' faces. I know the parents want us to grow _closer_ this summer, but we simply can't force something like that." She swallowed. "I value our friendship, and I don't want to screw it up over something dumb, like..."

"... leaving the cap off the tube of toothpaste?"

"Hey!" she said, laughing. "It was one time."

"It takes seconds to break nearly a decade of trust." he deadpanned.

"All right, Dave. Can we promise not to make an overly weird effort to have 'fun' together?"

"You saying you want me to avoid you?" he questioned.

"No!" Rose rubbed her temples. "That's not what I'm saying at all."

"No, I got it, it's cool." He leaned back in his seat again. "We shouldn't cramp each other's styles. We're fine as it is, we've gotta not screw it up by trying to be all 'sibling friendship, yay' or some shit."

"I... yes. That is what I meant. Can we try?"

The bus was completely empty except for the two. It was nearly dusk, and the road was becoming heavily wooded.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Shake on it?" Rose stuck out her hand.

"Deal." He took it, giving it a firm shake.

She cracked a small smile, her trademark mysterious half-smile, barely a smile at all.

The bus stopped with a wheeze, and the driver called back at them, "Kids! Here's your stop!"

Thanking him and dragging their respective bags behind them, they thumped down the narrow steps off the bus. It pulled off with a puff of smoke, leaving the blonde twins coughing. The dark building loomed over them in the lengthening shadows of sunset, as the orange sky cast a somewhat ominous light over them.

Rose and Dave stared up at the building they were going to be living in for the next three months.

"I don't seem to recall them mentioning puppets. Intriguing." Rose murmured, studying the display window.

" _Fuck_."

The door swung open, and their aunt's magnificent silhouette filled their vision.

"Heyyyy, kiddos!"

 

=====>

 

"This is where we sell the stuff." Roxy gestured at the counter. "And in here is where we display everything."

"Hey, quick question?" Dave put in. "Why the hell is everything puppets?"

"Why not?" Roxy shrugged, grinning.

"I believe my dear brother is trying to say that he has a certain dislike for your ware of choice," Rose interrupted. 

Roxy pursed her lips. "Well, that's a shame, dude, considering you're staying here for the next three months."

"Where are we sleeping?" Dave groaned. He was suddenly feeling pretty tired, and it wasn't because of the long-ass drive.

 

=====>

 

"It's a nice room. Big. Sturdy."

"It's an attic with two beds," he said flatly. "And there's a goat on one of them."

The goat maaa'd, as goats are apt to do when confronted with astute observations concerning their existence.

"So, I'll take the one with the lack of goat." Rose shrugged.

"Screw you." He glanced around the walls. "What the hell is going on with these posters? What are they even of?"

Rose turned on the flashlight on her phone. The attic lightbulb was out and Roxy hadn't had time to fix it, and it was too dark, even with the dim light coming from the big round window on the side wall. 

"Wizards."

Dave took a second to shoo the goat off his bed, then flopped down on it. "We've been here ten minutes and already everything is surreal and terrifying as fuck."

"I'm inclined to agree with you." She turned to him with that mysterious smile, her face lit up with the phone flashlight under her chin. "But it isn't as boring as we thought it was going to be, at least."

"Oh, no. It's still gonna be boring as all hell. It's just also gonna be terrifying at the same time." he said, staring at the ceiling and trying to dissasociate.

"Why do you think the puppets terrify you, so, Dave?" Rose inquired, lying down on her bed as well. "Is it some deep insecurity you're buried within yourself concerning you incapability to measure up to others, manifesting itself as a fear of semi-human, unaware presence?"

"Rose."

"Yes?"

"Shut up and let me go to sleep."

"If you insist, brother of mine."

"I really do."

. . .

. . . . .

. . .

"You know, it could be because you're afraid of yourself, as oppose to your failures, and the capability to--"

" _No, Rose._ " He sat up abruptly. "We ain't doing this tonight."

"I know, I know. It's just intriguing to contemplate your mental state, since it's so--"

"Fucked up?"

"--Complicated. I was going to say complicated."

"No, Rose. It's not that interesting." He rubbed his temples and stared into the dark room. "I'm fucking scared of puppets, and that's really all there is to say on the matter. I'm going to sleep now, and so are you."

Dave turned an inch to his left and was face to face with two glowing baby-blue eyes.

He screamed--a loud, high-pitched scream--and fell off his bed with a huge THUMP.

"Dave? Dave?? Are you ok??" Rose cried, scrambling for her phone flashlight again.

"That-- _fucking_ \-- _damn_ \--puppet--"

She turned the light on to reveal not only a lack of puppet, but a lack of wall as well. Dave had scrambled as far from it as he could go and had his back flat up against the wall, breathing heavily.

"There's no puppet there, Dave."

"Yeah, not anymore." he hissed. "He's a fast bastard."

"But there is an open shelf, or something."

"--what?"

"I think--" She moved to get up and walk over to it, cautiously. "--I think you hit some kind of switch and opened some secret cupboard."

"I'm never gonna be able to get to sleep." he muttered. "Why the hell would there be a secret cupboard?"

"To hold this."

She reached in and pulled out an ancient, rust colored book with a big heart symbol on the front.

"Nope. Fuuuuck this. Put that back. We do not need any secret books."

"But Dave, this looks so cool!" Rose blew a thin layer of dust off of the hard cover and opened it. The yellowed pages emitted that delightful old-book smell, and she leaned closer to get a better whiff of it. "It even _smells_ like mystery."

"God, that is so weird, Rose." Dave groaned. "Fine, keep the book, but if Li'l Cal murders you in your sleep tonight, I'll know why."

Rose, barely hearing him, stared at the pages. They were covered in small, slanted handwriting that would be hard to decipher with her phone flashlight. Resolving to give it a fresh look in the morning light, she set it down on her stack of books next to the bed. "All right, brother dearest. We'll see."

"Good night for real this time?"

"Very well. Good night for real."


	2. Be ROSE LALONDE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting new people sure is exciting, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to take liberties with combining the adult Beta versions of Roxy, Dirk, Jane and Jake with the Alpha kids we all know and love. I've naturally changed the relationships to one another, but it should stay relatively the same and easy to follow, I hope. Especially once we get to a bit of backstory. wink wonk ;)

Your name is ROSE LALONDE and you don't share the same last name as your TWIN BROTHER. Your parents, strangely, decided to have the daughter take the mother's last name, and the son take the father's last name. How progressive of them. All it has done is CONFUSE and ANNOY people thus far.

You wake up in an attic practically plastered in WIZARD POSTERS. You're going to have to take a few of the stranger ones down, but for the most part, you ENJOY THE SIGHT OF THEM. It makes you feel a bit closer to your aunt, who was always more of a sister anyways, considering your RELATIVELY SMALL AGE GAP of six years. Your BOOKS are still piled beside your bed and your CLOTHES are still in your bag. The MYSTERIOUS BOOK you discovered last night sits at the top, reminding you of your keenness to read it.

Glancing over at your aforementioned TWIN BROTHER's side of the room invokes mixed feelings of disgust and fondness. He has partially fallen out of bed and is snoring, and his SWORDS and CLOTHES are strewn about his side of the room already. How this is even POSSIBLE, you are not sure, but the scene is before your eyes. His ability to MAKE MESSES never ceases to amaze you.

What will you do?

 

Rose slid out of bed, her long, deep violet nightgown brushing against the hardwood floor as her bare feet quietly slapped against it. She rubbed her eyes, which hurt from nonstop reading on the bus the previous day, and stared into the mirror over the sink in the bathroom. No sense in doing anything until you've cleaned up first.

She groaned and pulled out her brush.

Painfully dragging it through her hair, she forced herself to think about her immediate future. 

"Spending three months in a house with a terrified brother and some bizarre puppets isn't going to be pleasant." she muttered to herself. "Not to mention an intoxicated aunt."

"Hey, rude."

She squeaked and jumped. Roxy was behind her, posed with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised. Her bright pink bathrobe hurt Rose's eyes.

"Intoxicated? I'll have you know that I've been clean for two whole years, buddy."

"You haven't even legally been allowed to drink for two years." Rose pointed out.

"That's true." Roxy tapped her forehead. "But with no cops around, technically, everything's legal."

"That's really not how it works, Aunt Roxy."

Roxy shrugged and pulled out her own brush to style her movie-star golden, curly hair. "What are you gonna do. The past's in the past, my dude."

"Still can't believe you say stuff like that." Rose snickered despite herself.

"What?"

"'My dude.'"

"Oh, did I say that? I meant to say 'sweetheart'."

Rose burst out laughing, now. "So, this shop. I wouldn't have picked you out as a puppet-lover."

"Oh, I wasn't." Roxy smiled dreamily. "It was somebody _else_ who told me puppets were the way to go. Have you seen Li'l Cal yet?"

"Briefly." Even Rose shuddered at the memory of those baby blue eyes staring at her from that grinning face on the spot of honor in the showroom.

"Oh, he's the favorite. Kids love him. He's automated. Moves by himself."

"Does he now."

"Mm-hmm. Is Dave scared of puppets?"

Rose glanced sideways at her. "I think he's gonna get over it."

"Shit, I hope it's not too-too bad." Roxy stared worriedly at herself in the mirror. "I don't wanna scar the guy for life or anything."

Rose patted her arm sympathetically. "If it's any comfort to you, the damage has probably already been done."

=====>

 

"Where can I go in this town that isn't here?" Dave said, coming downstairs.

"Oh, good morning, Dave. We were just talking about you," Rose said, flipping a pancake.

Roxy was nursing a cup of coffee. "There's plenty of places to go hang out, but wouldn't you like some breakfast first?"

He paused. "Fine. But only because they smell really good."

"You know, you can get some good mixes for pancakes," Roxy commented as they all sat and devoured the delicious food. "My friend actually develops this stuff. She's a baker."

"That's actually really cool." Rose smiled. "She makes mixes?"

"Yup, and sells 'em to people around town. She's trying to get on the market officially."

"She lives in town? Really?"

Roxy nodded. "She owns the bakery. What a nice little place."

"Yeah, sure sounds great to be selling anything other than puppets." Dave muttered.

"We don't just sell puppets, Dave," their aunt rolled her eyes, "we also put on shows."

"Literally just shoot me." Dave plunked his head down on the table.

"Well, my cashier's gonna be here in a few minutes, so she'd be happy to oblige," Roxy shrugged.

". . . Wait, what?" Rose put down her fork.

"A girl's gonna be here?" Dave's head shot up, his voice alarmed. "I'm not even _dressed_! When does this place open?"

"Twenty minutes."

Dave slowly pushed his plate away, got up, and walked up the stairs without another word.

"Is he gonna be ok?" Roxy asked with her mouth full. 

"He'll be back to his normal douche-y self soon, don't worry." Rose rolled her eyes. "He's just in shock. It happens to everyone, even cool kids."

"What a dork." Roxy rested her chin on her palm and grinned. "Reminds me of--"

The door swung open. "Good morning, Miss Roxy!" a cheerful voice sang out. "Can I come in the back?"

"'Course, good morning, Jade! What're you doing here so early?" Roxy greeted her.

Jade, a short girl with big, goofy, round glasses and a huge mop of chocolate-brown hair stepped in brightly. "I heard there were new people!! And I like being here!" She stopped and sniffed. "Do I smell pancakes?"

"Want some?" Rose held out a plate of extras. "My name's Rose. My brother and I are staying here for the summer, so we may be seeing quite a lot of one another."

Jade grinned and stuck out her hand. "Jade Harley. It's nice to meet you! You're related to Miss Roxy, then?"

"Niece." Rose shook the hand, pleased. "You work here?"

"Yup! As a cashier. You're gonna love it here, it's just such a nice town. There's so much to do!"

"Really?"

"Well. . . not really. But you can always go into the woods if you're feeling adventurous!" Jade laughed.

Roxy handed her a plate with a few pancakes. "Is John coming today?"

"I think so. He has some stuff to finish up at home, but he was really eager to meet the new people." Jade paused from cutting up her food and shrugged. "You know how often we get visitors in this town."

"This shop's pretty much the only thing that outsiders come here for," Roxy agreed. 

"Why do people come for the puppets, by the way?" Rose inquired. "It doesn't seem like the most profitable undertaking to me. How often do people . . . need puppets?"

"Oh, these puppets are the _best._ " Jade swallowed a bite of pancake. "They're like, robots or something. Some almost seem to be self-aware, can you believe it?"

"I assume you are referring to Li'l Cal?"

"Yeah, he's everybody's favorite."

"Why?"

Jade chuckled through a mouthful of food. "Have you seen his beautiful baby blue eyes?"

"My twin brother finds them alarming, to be quite honest."

"They do have that effect on people sometimes." Roxy said frankly.

"Come on, they're fiiiiiine." Jade picked up her empty plate and brought it over to the sink. "So where's this twin brother of yours? Still asleep?"

"He ran upstairs to get dressed when I told him you were coming over soon." Roxy answered.

"D'aww. Modest little guy." Jade grinned and began scrubbing her plate. "I bet he'd get along with John."

"Who's John?"

"My younger cousin."

"Does he change light-bulbs, by the way? I forgot to fix the light in the attic before the kids got here, and today's supposed to be pretty busy. I may not have time." Roxy finished her breakfast as well and shoved her plate forwards. "Uh, I'd pay him ten bucks."

"I'm sure he'd love to. I'll text him to make absolute sure he shows, then!" Jade set her plate on a towel beside the sink and rubbed her hands on her skirt to dry them.

There was a crash, and all three girls jumped, startled. After a moment, Dave stumbled around the corner, fully dressed but looking a bit disheveled. 

"Did you honestly fall down the stairs again?" Rose demanded after a gaping moment of silence.

"It's too early for stairs."

Roxy and Rose burst out laughing at the same moment Jade gasped. "Are you all right?"

He shook his head, nervously readjusting his sunglasses.

"Oh, dear." she muttered, glancing back at the other two. "What hurts?"

"Mostly my pride." he admitted. "I'm going back upstairs."

"I warned you, bro-"

"Wait, don't go yet!" Jade called. "Didn't you want to get out of the house?"

Dave turned slowly and stared at Rose pointedly. "Maybe."

"Well, I know a great spot to have lunch!-- If Miss Roxy will let me have a longer break today?"

Roxy giggled the aftershocks of a laughing fit. "Yeah, of course! Sure, sure."

Jade turned to the twins with a bright smile. "You guys heard about the woods yet?"

". . . No?" Rose ventured.

"Great!" she chirped. "Then you'll be fine with going on a picnic in me and John's favorite spot!"

Roxy laughed again. "Seriously?"

"A hundred percent!" Jade grinned.

Rose and Dave exchanged a look, unnoticed by Jade, who turned back to them with her wide, bucktoothed smile. 

"Ready for an adventure this afternoon?"

 

=====>

 

"Brother dearest."

"No."

"Aren't you interested in the book I found? I've been reading it all morning."

Rose was sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Dave was at the kitchen table, listening to music and scrolling through some social media. He glanced up from his phone to offer her a stoic look of disdain.

"The only thing I'm interested in is getting rid of that puppet, if at all possible."

"Maybe this journal will help you." she said delicately, turning a page.

"Since when was it a journal?"

"Since DS started writing in it goodness knows how long ago."

"Who's DS?" Dave suddenly sounded tense. Rose glanced up at him knowingly.

"The author of this journal."

"Those are _my_ initials."

"What an incredible coincidence," Rose said haughtily, turning a page.

"What's the book about?" he asked, suddenly peering over her shoulder.

"It seems to be a record of information given to the author by certain anonymous sources concerning the forest and its contents."

"Its 'contents'? The hell does that mean?"

"The monsters or aliens or something. I haven't finished it already, and it's naturally recorded chronologically." Rose licked her finger and turned another page. "There are some shitty drawings here, though."

"Wow, those are even worse than my drawings." he noted, cheering up a bit. "Are those supposed to be people?"

"Well, it seems as if they have horns. Then again, one can never be sure."

The back door banged open abruptly, startling Rose into slamming the book shut. 

A messy-haired boy with rectangular glasses froze, staring up at them. "Are you the Lalonde kids?"

"We are." Rose responded. "Do you know a Jade, by any chance?"

He perked up, giving them the same buck-toothed grin as his female cousin. "Yeah! You've met her, already?"

"She introduced herself earlier." Rose gracefully slid off the countertop, sticking out her hand. "My name is Rose Lalonde, and you must be John Harley."

"Egbert. But mostly right!" He grasped her hand and gave it a firm shake. "You're gonna be here all summer, then? I can't wait!"

He turned to Dave. "And you are. . . ?"

"Strider, Dave Strider. Nice to meet you."

The two shook as well.

"I think our aunt was going to pay you to change our light-bulb. Do you often do chores around here?" Rose asked.

"I kinda do chores around everywhere." He shrugged. "I'm the unofficial handyman of our little town, 'cause everybody knows me."

"Uh, does everybody know everybody else here?" Dave asked, raising an eyebrow.

John grinned again. "Pretty much. It's small and boring here, unless you know where to look."

"Like the woods?" Rose smiled down at her book and turned another page.

He smiled mischievously. "Perhaps. Heh heh."

"Can't wait for lunch," Dave said, stretching. "Should be at least a bit amusing."

"Count on it." John went over to the cupboard. "Wanna help me screw in a light-bulb?"

"More interesting than sitting here with Rose and her puppet book." the blond boy jumped off the counter. "I'm in."

"It's actually more interesting than you'd think." Rose piped up. "It cuts off in the middle, as if the author was interrupted while writing."

"Probably somebody dragged him off to the nuthouse. Where he belonged. Communicating with the puppets? _Totally_ batshit insane, clearly."

"Don't be too sure." Rose stared him in the face. "You never know when puppets decide to disclose their secrets upon you. It is a heavy burden, to be blessed with the wisdom of the puppets--"

"Goodbye." he called over his shoulder, heading out the door.

Shooting Rose an apologetic look, John followed Dave out of the room. 

 

"So, have you ever seen Con Air?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for no updates for three months and then a huge dump of ten chapters, cause that's apparently how my mind works, hahahaha!!  
> Don't worry, I'm trying to write as much as I can while I'm still freshly inspired. Kudos and comments help!


	3. Jade: Strife!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins learn a little more about their new friends.  
> And contrary to anything anyone might think, cool guys don't get crushes. Nope. Never.

"So, is there supposed to be something out here, or...?

"Not always." John munched on a chip. "Sometimes _they_ stay quiet and out of your way."

"Especially when Striders are in the woods," Jade wiggled her eyebrows ridiculously, giving Dave a look. Rose snickered.

"Yeah, dude! They're all probably terrified of you and your legendary coolness." John laughed.

"Soooooo cooooooool!"

Dave was starting to wonder why he every agreed to come out here with these crazy teenagers in the first place. They had so much energy between the two of them, it was as if they were constantly hyped-up on an unholy combination of coffee, red bull, and marshmallow peeps.

They were all sitting on an ironic--at least he hoped it was ironic--butterfly-patterned blanket spread out on the forest floor, munching on cookies. John had bugged Jane, his older sister who owned the bakery, into baking them especially for the occasion of getting "brand new best friends!" It was supposedly Jade's idea. She was quite silly.

John was pretty silly, too, if a bit less so than his seventeen-year-old cousin. He had started talking about shitty Nicholas Cage movies almost at once and had already roped Dave into a promise to come over and watch one with him sometime. There was . . . probably a way to get out of that.

Additionally, Jade had brought a shotgun, which was propped up against the picnic basket, barrel-up. He was trying not to be seriously concerned about that.

The two had caught onto his "massive cool guy ego" almost at once, and were ribbing him about it. But it was cool. He was such a cool guy he didn't even mind them joking about it. They were probably joking about it ironically anyway, being secretly really impressed by his stoic poker face.

Yeah. That was probably it.

"So, cool guy," Rose said, biting into a third cookie, "What exactly do you expect there to be out in the woods, anyways?"

"I dunno. Probably more puppet ass."

" _Self aware_ puppet ass?" she asked innocently.

Jade burst into a fit of giggles. John snorted.

"Yeah, probably a bunch of them got possessed by our crazy aunt one day while she was drunk as fuck and ran out here to breed and who-knows-what-else. There's probably a whole colony of neon pink shitty ass puppets running around out here."

"It's a possibility." Rose mused.

"It's more than a possibility. It's a damn necessity, knowing how much this universe hates me and doesn't want me to be happy or comfortable ever, no matter where I go or what I do."

"I feel like the universe's use of puppets has less to do with you than you think, Dave."

"Oh, no. It's all about me. Puppets probably wouldn't exist if they freaked me out half as much."

"Hmmmm."

"Oh, shit. You're not gonna do that stupid thing again, are you?" Dave closed his eyes and flopped back onto the blanket. "With the psychoanalysis--"

"I'm taking mental notes," she said crisply. "This conversation is far from over, brother dear."

"Oh, come on," he protested. "I'm just trying to keep these tools entertained."

John and Jade were indeed hooting with laughter. Rose looked at them suspiciously.

"I have a feeling they're only laughing because they already know what's in the woods, and find both your inaccurate predictions and your hyper-self-absorbed outlook hilarious in some way."

Without warning, Jade stopped laughing abruptly and collapsed.

" _Jade_!"

"Jade??"

Rose and Dave both shouted at the same time, rushing over to her side. John waved them away.

"She does this. It's ok, she's just asleep."

A gently snore arose from the body.

Dave stared at her with perfect bafflement, while Rose blinked and instantly came to a conclusion. "Does she have some condition--narcolepsy?"

"Yeah, actually." He was impressed. "Not a lot of people know off the top of their head-- but yeah, she falls asleep at random and pretty easily. Cool, huh?" 

John wasn't worried at all, so Dave tore his eyes away from the sleeping figure and rubbed his temples. "And just when I was starting to think the two of you were sort-of normal."

"Oh, we're not normal at all, don't worry about that." John snickered. "But neither is anyone, so it's cool."

Rose gave him a rare genuine smile. "Neither is anyone. You're something, John Harley-Egbert."

"I try." He batted his eyelashes and grabbed a sandwich from the picnic basket.

Dave cleared his throat. "Not to break up this cute little display, but when is she going to, uh, wake up?"

"It depends." John munched on his turkey sandwich. "She could wake up naturally, or she could get woken up, or--"

"We can wake her up without any side effects?"

"Yeah."

Dave leaned over and clapped right over her head, loudly. Instantly, she shot up, glasses askew. "What! What happened? Did I miss something? Are they gone already? _Shit!_ "

"You've only been out for a minute. It's ok, everyone's still here." John explained.

She shoved the thick curtain of hair out of her face and laughed nervously, face red. "Oh. Okay. Sorry."

"Don't be. That was interesting. Does that often happen to you when you're feeling great emotion, or is it random?" Rose asked, eyes alight with curiosity.

Before she could answer, there was a loud rustling and commotion just within earshot. All four kids whirled towards the sound, and Jade reached for the shotgun.

 

=====>

 

"Nobody's out here, Terezi, so shut the fuck up and walk faster!"

"Jeez, what'th your damage, Kat? Your boyfriend break up with you or thomething?"

"Oh, ha-ha. I'm laughing my fucking head off here at your unbeatable wit. The chortling of great and wholehearted amusement are loud and obnoxious enough to alert all nearby animals to run and jump off the damn cliff. I wipe a single tear from my cheek and sigh in blissful contentment. Your legendary joke has brought true peace to my soul, I no longer must seek happiness, for I have reached it, and it is beautiful."

. . .

". . . That didn't theem genuine at all."

"Yeah, you're not laughing, dipshit."

"I know!! Shut the fuck up and walk, we've got to--"

A bullet whizzed two inches from its intended target and ricoshed off of a tree. The target dropped everything he was holding.

"SHIT! Everybody run!!"

The three figures took off in different directions, purely out of luck not running into the same clearing as the gun. 

 

=====>

 

"Shit, I missed!"

Jade raised her gun and aimed again at the hastily retreating figures.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, stop!!!" John yelled, grabbing Jade's arm. "Those looked like _people_!"

"Those were dark, shadowy figures with horns. They were not people." Rose muttered.

"Well, don't just -- _shoot_ them! I heard voices! They were talking like people!"

Jade took a deep breath, then blushed, lowering her gun. "Sorry. I thought they might attack us. Their voices sounded really harsh and angry. . ."

"You just woke up, it's ok." John said, pushing the barrel further down. "Just--calm down, ok, Jade?"

She blew a strand of hair out of her face in a huff of frustration and embarassment. "Yeah. Sorry. Ok."

She turned to the twins, who were still sitting stock-still, staring at Jade. Dave's mouth was hanging open.

"Jade, did you just. . . instinctively. . . fire a shotgun at three human-like figures you saw walking in the woods?" Rose asked tentatively.

"Nobody _ever_ comes in the woods!" Jade protested. "And I just woke up, I was nervous. I'm sorry."

"Nobody except the crazy teenagers," John added quickly. "Like us. We hang out here all the time. . ."

"But I've never seen anything like that before!" Jade's eyes were wide behind her glasses.

"I guess Jake wasn't lying after all with all those dumb stories." John mused.

Jade glanced at him pensively. "I guess not!"

"Excuse me, if I may interject," Rose said, "what exactly did we just witness? You fired at three figures who were speaking in a rough and angry manner. All right. You missed, and they all ran off. You claim to have been in the woods many times before, yet never to have seen anything like them before."

They nodded. Dave was still staring at Jade with his mouth open. Rose elbowed him, startling him into closing it, before continuing.

"And, nobody else has mentioned anything about seeing people with horns in the woods?"

"I didn't see any horns." John murmured. "They just looked like normal people to me."

"Well, you were sitting at a different angle than I was." Rose commented. "I had a better view. Did you see any horns, Jade?"

"I was too busy aiming at the one's chest!" she said, eyes wide. "I didn't see any horns on that one!"

"Ok, what about you, Dave?" Rose asked impatiently. "Did you see any horns?"

"Wh-horns?"

"Yes, on the people!" she said loudly.

"Damn, I dunno, I was too busy being worried about the gun." He scratched his head and looked away.

Rose inhaled, and exhaled.

"Brother dearest. You carry tons of shitty swords with you wherever you go. You know how to _use_ said shitty swords. You also know how to use nunchucks and throwing stars. So why in the _world_ is a different type of weapon so damn terrifying for you??"

Pause.

"Because _Jade Harley_ was the one holding it! -- and we just saw her fall _asleep_ at the _drop of a fucking hat_!"

 

=====>

"Sorry about everything, you know--"

"Jade, for the last time, it's fine. Stop apologizing. Nobody got hurt." Rose said, exasperated.

They were standing in front of the puppet shack, exchanging pesterchum handles.

"So, you're TentacleTherapist? I can pester you and you'll respond?" John asked, glancing at the napkin he'd hastily scrawled the chumhandles on.

"Yes. Text me as soon as you get home to your laptop!" she said cheerfully.

"Will do!" He flashed her that adorable bucktoothed grin. "Thanks, Rose!"

"I'm gonna finish up my shift here." Jade said, fidgeting slightly. "Don't feel like you have to hang out with me, I'll just be in the gift shop if you feel like talking. Again, I'm--"

"If you say sorry again I'm going to ram my knitting needles down your throat."

John looked fairly alarmed at Rose's sudden threatening tone, but Jade just laughed and nodded.

"Ok, ok. Yeah." she said a bit more confidently. "Come hang out with me if you get the chance. Work's kinda slow sometimes." she called over her shoulder, heading in the side door.

"I have no other plans for the day. Let's just hope you don't get tired of _my_ company by the end of your shift," Rose said, following her in.

She giggled. "Fat chance!"

John and Dave were left standing outside the shack together. 

Dave was staring after the girls.

"Does she take that gun with her normally, like, everywhere?" he found himself asking.

"Uh, yeah. Why're you so hung up on the gun, dude?" John squinted at him.

Dave blinked. "No reason."

"It's pretty cool, is what I think." John glanced at him sideways. "How she can just whip that shotgun out and fire at random. Pretty badass, don't you agree, Dave?"

"I thought she was gonna be pretty different than that." He shrugged. "I guess I'm just kinda surprised that somebody . . . like _her_ would be able to do that."

"What do you mean, 'like her'?" John's voice took a slight protective edge.

"She seems more like the 'sweet, lovable, pretty damsel-in-distress' type is all."

" _What_?"

John burst out laughing.

"Dude, you have her _totally_ wrong. She may be nice, but she'd knock you into next week if you laid a finger on her wrong. And what's this about 'pretty'? You got a _thing_ for her or something?" he asked, half-jokingly and half-suspiciously.

"What?" Dave scoffed. "No, come on, man. I don't _get_ 'things'. Chicks get 'things' for _me_. You should see all the ladies tryin' to mack on me back at home. Everybody wants some of the Strider."

"Ha!" John laughed again. "You're lucky you're as cool as you think you are, Strider, or nearly. Otherwise you'd be a totally insufferable prick."

". . . Thanks?"

John chuckled. Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades.

"Whatever, bro. You laugh. But I'll be the one laughing when I got three girls on each arm at some rave, rap music blarin', and you're the odd man out without a date, sitting on the sidelines drinking shitty punch in a plastic red cup." Dave grinned at the mental image, then shook his head at the amused John. "Nah, I don't have to worry about crushes."

 

=====>

 

"Rose?"

"Hm?"

'You awake?"

"Yes, Dave. I'm almost done with the journal. I'm reading under the covers. Take off your shades and you'll be able to see better in the dark." There was the quiet rustle of a page turn.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. What is it?"

". . .how do you know if you have a crush?"

Rose rolled over and pursed her lips in thought. "Well, I personally wouldn't know, being immune to feelings of any kind--"

"Ha-ha."

"However, I have read it described as a silmultaneous sinking and leaping feeling in your gut area when you think of the person. . . an inability to stop thinking about the person. . . heightened self-awareness and embarassment when around the person. . . Why?" Her tone turned slightly teasing. "Does the legendary lady-killer David Strider have, at long last, a fleeting attraction towards someone?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Gasp! It is true, then. Who's the lucky girl? Or guy, I won't judge."

"Shut the _fuck_ up."

"What, are you _not_ going to tell me, after I was so kind as to offer you my sage wisdom?"

"Finish reading your puppet book."

"You're going to tell me."

"No."

"Oh, you simply can't leave me hanging like this, brother dear!"

"Can and will. Read. I'm going to sleep."

"Can I guess?"

"Nope. I'm not talking about this right now. Go to sleep. Read. Hell, I don't know. Stop talking."

After a moment of silence, Rose heaved a great sigh.

"You do trouble me, brother. All right, we shall leave well enough alone. . ."

"Thank you."

"Until tomorrow morning."

"Fucking _damn_ it!!"

.

.

.

=>Show "THE SALTY CREW" group memo, created 4/13/10 at 1:27 PM  
=>Show text posted 4/13/10 at 1:28 PM  
GT: Hullo hullo chums!  
TG: lol  
TG: suppp  
GG: Hello!  
TT: Sweet. A group chat.  
TT: Hella convenient.  
GT: Thank you kind sir!  
GG: So, this is where we'll plan our excursions, then?  
GT: That's what I was thinking!  
GG: Great! What's the plan for next week?  
TG: waht why do we need a plan  
TG: *what  
TG: were just goin out into the SPOOOOKY WOODS again  
TG: we dont need no plan  
TG: dont wanna lose our stupid teenager cards by thinkin anything through do we?  
TT: True. We don't really need any specific plans.  
TT: We can just ... show up.  
GG: Oh, all right.  
GT: Personally I'm quite excited for our next adventurous excursion!  
GT: Who knows what we might discover?  
TG: prolly some DEAD BODIES  
TG: and theyll eat us and well never be heard from again  
TG: HAH  
GG: Come on! Crashed spaceships don't bring zombies.  
TT: Actually, I agree.  
TT: Finding zombies would be rad.  
GT: Are we actually discussing this??  
TT: Sounds like you're scared of zombies, bro.  
TG: ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
GT: What! I am most certainly not!  
GG: It sounds like you are! >:D  
GT: //nervously dries forehead with towel  
GT: Well would you look at the time! I must be off!  
TG: booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
TT: See you later, dude.  
GG: Bye!  
TG: siiiiiiiigh  
TG: whatevs dudes, later  
GT: Toodles!  
=>End of text posted on "THE SALTY CREW" 4/13/10, 1:37 PM  
=>Continue to 4/14/10?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, with great difficulty, I've learned how to code--(can i call it "coding"?? It's certainly no walk in the park!)--the damn pesterlogs. I HOPE YOU ALL APPRECIATE HOW MUCH I'M SUFFERING FOR YOU. The next few chapters are gonna all have pesterchum conversations, the fourth (or fifth depending on how long they get) being extremely heavy on it. I've decided to try to stay true to the "online conversations" element of Homestuck--it was one of my favorite things about it!!--even if I can't keep the "online friends" element. Even if it IS a huge hassle. Love you guys. <3
> 
> And with that, our "introduction period" is over! Expect complete and total madness from now on, as well as more clear parallels to the show episodes.
> 
> I have a plan for the background characters (such as Pacifica and McGucket)... and it's the best I can do aside from sticking in a ton of OC's! <_<'
> 
> Ciao!


	4. Plastic Bat: Meet forehead.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat attempts to meet humans. His level of success is debatable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, these next few chapters are gonna be a bit heavy on the one-sided Jadekat, simply because I got a very strong sense of Karkat having a thing for Jade when he started getting to know her. However, there's no need to worry about this ship too much if you absolutely hate it, because, though I appreciate it as in canon, it isn't going to be important for too long. I have endgame Karkat in mind for someone else. >:D

"Karkar! Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey!"

"What the hell does that mean?" he muttered, blinking awake.

Terezi leaned over Karkat, her red glasses glinting.

"It's just something I read online. It means GET UP, RETARD, TODAY'S THE DAY WE PUT OUR PLAN INTO ACTION!!"

Karkat flopped down and pulled the pillow over his messy black hair. "Oh, fuck, no."

"Oh, fuck, YES, Karkar." she replied with a maniacal grin. 

"Stop calling me that, dipshit." he groaned.

"You're the only one with small enough horns for this to work, you KNOW that!" she protested, yanking the blanket off him. "Eridan found a black hoodie by the lake when he was stalking some girl again!"

"He's such a creep."

"I know, right?" she giggled. "But we've got the jacket, so all you have to do is keep the hood up and you can go into town! And maybe find that journal!"

"Oh, yes, that's right." He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Your magic journal that supposedly holds the secret to fix our ship and get us back to Alternia."

"Yup, _that_ journal!" Terezi responded cheerfully.

"I don't want to do this, Terezi."

"That's a shame." she said thoughtfully. "I thought you wanted to be our leader, our _hero_."

"Well, excuse me for not jumping at the opportunity to reveal our presence to everyone and possibly get us all killed." Karkat huffed. "Get out of my cell."

She stuck her tongue out at him good-naturedly and, in a moment, was under the curtain door and gone.

Rubbing his temples and groaning, he sat up slowly and looked around the little room on the crashed ship that he'd claimed as his own.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are COMPLETELY IN TUNE WITH AND IN CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS, all the time.Your COT is comfortable enough, even if it is NOTHING LIKE A GOOD, COMFY POD. You haven't slept it proper pus since you were a wriggler, though, so the loss isn't too difficult to bear. You like CODING, though you're not nearly as good at is as your FRIEND, who is always on the bay, trying to fix the wiring to the INTERGALACTIC SPACESHIP you crashed in when you were wrigglers. 

On your wall is a DUMB DRAWING that TEREZI made for you, which you hang up only for CLEARLY IRONIC purposes. It's supposed to be you, but the MOUTH is incredibly large and OFFENSIVE. She thinks she's HILARIOUS. You occasionally find her MILDLY FUNNY.

The LAPTOP sitting on your floor is your personal computer, though you barely use it for ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR. Except BINGE-WATCHING HUMAN SOAP OPERAS and ROMCOMS you illegally download from the INTERNET. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HUMAN LAWS. You also have a PESTERCHUM, which you only use to COMMUNICATE WITH THE OTHER TROLLS when you don't feel like leaving your CELL, which happens to be QUITE OFTEN.

The METAL CUPBOARDS on the opposite wall are LOCKED with combinations only YOU KNOW, so no NASTY, RUDE TROLLS can get into them and judge you for their CONTENTS. Stupid ROMANCE NOVELS. 

...You LOVE them, but you can only steal a FEW EVERY FEW MONTHS when you raid the LIBRARY IN TOWN in the middle of the night. They only even contain ONE QUADRANT... by name. BLACKROMS are surprisingly easy to find, though they aren't called that, of course. Stupid humans and their LIMITED CAPACITY FOR ROMANTIC DEPTH.

Still. You only have a few, and you have a GREAT EMOTIONAL NEED for them.

...Maybe you can pick up a FEW MORE if you go into town in disguise.

What will you do?

Karkat yanked off his blanked with renewed vigor and jumped out of bed.

=====>

"What's for breakfast, Vriska?" he asked, coming into the eating area.

She glared at him over the table. "I'm not making food," she spat. "Ask Tavros."

Tavros slumped. "Vriska... that's kinda... uh... rude. Karkat just wanted to eat..."

"Tavros, it's fine. She can be a bitch if she wants." Karkat pulled up a chair and grabbed a roll off the big plate on the table. "Did you cook anything from the cans?"

"Yeah... some beans. But, uh, we're going to be running out soon... it's been almost ten whole years since... we crashed, and..."

"Oh, wow! Ten whole years?" Karkat muttered.

Tavros nodded, famously incapable of recognizing sarcasm of any kind. "Yeah... and we don't have anything besides the cans... food-wise, I mean. I think... I think that's why we need you to go into town and see if you can..."

Vriska snorted. "If he can what? Steal some food? They'll recognize him the next time, and we'll be back to square one... or worse. They'll catch him and pull the damn hoodie off and whoops, even _your_ tiny horns will be noticable to them. Then, whoops, they'll come tramping into the forest and the jig will finally be up."

"Shut the fuck up, Vriska." Karkat said, still chewing. "If I'm so incapable, why don't you just file your own horns down so you can look like a human? I'm sure you can do _so_ much better than me, right?"

Vriska snorted and shoved her plate away. "Whatever, loser."

She flounced out of the room.

Tavros turned to look at Karkat, who was still chewing calmly.

"When ... when did you learn to do that?" 

"Do what?"

"Um... deal with Vriska?"

Karkat stopped chewing."I did do that, didn't I?"

"Uhhh... yeah, I think so." Tavros studied his expression. "Yeah."

Karkat laughed. "Maybe it's _true_ that trolls mature with age, after all. I was starting to doubt that, hanging out with Terezi all the time."

"Of course it is!" he smiled. "You... you don't yell nearly as much as you used to!"

Karkat's eye twitched. "...Thanks."

Tavros smiled. "Good luck... with the humans and all."

"Thanks, Tavros."

=====>

He'd wasted as much time as he could saying goodbye to everyone around the camp. Terezi eventually screeched at him to shut up and go, they could all talk later.

So Karkat went, feeling completely exposed and freaked out, mapping out his route in his mind's eye, trying to decide where to go first.

_Where to start, where to start..._

They'd naturally been mapping out the town as best they could since landing. It was a miracle that nobody aside from the average cuckoo had caught a glimpse of them when they were scouting around in the bushes from afar. Still, the caution the trolls exercised was great, and needed to be.

One sighting from the wrong person, and poof! They'd all be wiped out.

Vriska and a few of the others were convinced they could hold their own if it came to a fight. 

The rest knew if they were discovered it was only a matter of time until they were overwhelmed with attackers. They were _aliens,_ for fuck's sake.

Obviously (at least, it seemed obvious to himself), Karkat had assumed leadership since day one of the crash. Back when they were only a few sweeps old... Seven human years old.

Surprisingly, it had gone fairly well for a long time.

No one had killed each other yet, in the very least.

Karkat snorted to himself and walked into the clearing.

 _Shit, I've been walking for an hour already?_ He wiped perspiration off his forehead and pulled the black hood on over his head. _Okay, okay. The puppet shop._

 _That should be a good place to start,_ he thought. _It's creepy as fuck, so barely anybody is sure to be there. I can start practicing my interspecies communication there._

Trying to steady his shaking hands, he pushed open the door and stepped inside.

"Uh--hello--"

He instantly got whacked in the face with a plastic baseball bat.

=====>

"Baaaaatter up!"

Giggling a very un-Rose-ish giggle, she lifted her arm and threw the puppet as hard as she could.

Dave, with his back to the door, swung as hard as he could, making direct contact. The soft puppet went flying into the wall with a huge _thud_.

All three of them burst out laughing.

Jade, over at the counter, practically scrambled over it with excitement. "I'm going next!"

Shrugging, Dave handed over the bat. 

"All right, Miss Jade Harley, are you ready for this one?" Rose demanded.

"Yes! Pitch it!" Jade called. She grinned and stuck her tongue out of her mouth in concentration, wiggling the bat.

"Ok, here comes!" Rose yelled back. Windup.

Dave, on second thought, jumped backwards to get out of range. He'd seen Harley with a gun. Harley with a bat was only slightly less dangerous.

The puppet came flying through the air, Jade swung, the door opened, and somebody walked in, all at once.

There was a crack.

"OH NOOOOOO!" Jade dropped the bat instantly and was on the ground beside the customer.

Rose vanished into the back. It was probably instinct.

Dave smacked himself on the forehead. 

"Ohhhhh. Oh, my _god._ What the _fuck???_ " the guy demanded furiously, clutching his head.

"Oh, god. Oh, god oh god oh god. I'm so sorry." Jade was beside herself, crouched on the ground beside the raging madman. "That was all my fault. Are you okay?"

"I JUST GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL, OF COURSE I'M NOT--"

He opened his eyes and stopped yelling abruptly.

Jade stared at him, terrified and concerned.

=====>

It figures. It just figures that the first fucking humans he runs into, _ever,_ would kick off the interaction with some good-old-fashioned violence. Were they cracking each other on the heads with bats for fun when he happened to just walk in? Insanity. Insanity.

But he was finding it hard to stay his usual brand of angry when face to face with a pair of gorgeous bright green eyes. Especially because they were now filling with tears.

"--um--"

"I'm so, so, so sorry," she was saying, trying to awkwardly pat his arms-- _for what reason? what kind of help was that? she's at a complete loss._ \--and pull away to give him air at the same time.

"Do you usually crack customers over the head with bats?" he found himself demanding. Habit wins.

"That-- we were playing baseball with the plush puppets, and--I should'nt've stood right near the door, I'm so sorry, are you gonna be--"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, trying to get up, still holding his head. _It doesn't even hurt that much. It was a plastic bat. You're being a baby._ "Whatever. It's fine."

"--What?"

"What?"

He turned and first noticed the blonde guy leaning up against the counter. "Fine?" the guy said.

"It's fine, dumbass!" Karkat snapped, succeeding in standing on his own two feet. "What, you want me to kill you in revenge or something?"

"... I was thinking more along the lines of some kinda lawsuit, but whatever floats your boat, weirdo."

"Dave!" The beautiful girl was up. _Shit. You mean the girl who literally attacked you when you walked in the door. The girl who cracked you with a_ plastic bat _and it still hurt like hell._

What was she saying? "Dave, stop! I'm the one who just hit him!"

"Whatever, it was a fucking accident, dumbass. It's fine, ok? Just--help me look at puppets and we'll call it even." he huffed.

Dave raised an eyebrow behind his dark, cowardly, feminine eyewear. Karkat resisted the urge to smack him. Barely.

She blinked. "Are you... are you sure?"

"Yeah. Positive. What's your name?" he blurted. _Shit. That wasn't weird, was it? You asked workers their names, right?_

"It's-- Jade." She stuck out her hand hesitantly. "I'm still really, really--"

"Forget about it." he said, shaking her hand. "I'm -- Uh--"

_Human names are different than troll names, you stupid, dumbass fucker! Don't tell them your real name! Fake name! Human name! First name that comes to your mind!_

"--Edward."

Dave snorted in the corner. Karkat whirled towards him, livid. "What's wrong with you, dipshit?" he hissed without thinking. "Not a human enough name for you?" 

Dave stuck his hands in the air in a position of surrender. "Just didn't think you were an Edward kinda guy, that's all. Sue me."

"I'm considering it," he growled. _What's to_ sue _someone?_ he wondered wildly. _Is it like, torture? Murder? WHATEVER!!_

Dave snickered.

"Kay, Jade, since you've got yourself a buddy, I'm just gonna head upstairs for a while. Music and shit, you know how it is. When the rap inspiration hits you, you got no control, you feel me?"

"Oh, yeah, I gotcha." She shot the fucker a wide smile, like Terezi's, but more genuine and sweet, showing her adorable buckteeth and _suddenly he wanted to be on the receiving end of a smile like that, too._

"Do you want an ice pack or anything? For your head?" she asked quickly. "We have those, they'll cut down on the swelling!"

"What? Oh--sure, thanks."

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:12 PM  
TG: hey  
TG: hey rose  
TG: rose i can see youre online you cant ignore me  
TT: I'm presently occupied.  
TG: yeah i bet after you ditched jade and me to that insane customer she hit with a fucking bat  
TG: but whatever  
TG: just come and get rid of him and well all be even  
TT: Excuse me. I did not abandon you. I needed to use the bathroom.  
TT: Wait. Get rid of him? Why?  
TG: hes a douche just come downstairs already  
TT: What am I missing here?  
TG: nothing just come get rid of the douche  
TG: youre good at getting rid of people quickly  
TG: and im busy with my mixing  
TT: All right, I am coming downstairs.  
TT: But only to figure out what your "deal" is with this specific customer.  
TT: Because if he were simply yelling at Jade or otherwise being unpleasant, you would be able to resolve that yourself fairly easily.  
TG: hey heres an idea  
TG: stop the damn psychoanalysis  
TG: and just do it  
TT: All right, I am downstairs.  
TT: And there's nothing to see, they seem to have resolved the conflict quite easily.  
TT: ...Oh.  
TG: oh what  
TT: I suddenly understand everything.  
TG: what the FUCK  
TG: is going on down there  
TT: Excuse me for a moment.  
tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum!  
TG: WHAT IS IT

"Do you want to, like, pull down your hood or something?" Jade was asking the stranger hesitantly, handing him a bag of frozen peas.

"It's fine, I like it up," he growled, sticking it up against his forehead.

"What's going on?" Rose asked, loitering in the doorway. Something was up.

"Edward --well, you saw what happened. I'm trying to help him feel better." Jade twirled a lock of her hair around her finger nervously.

"Yeah. She hit me on the head with a baseball bat." Edward chuckled without humor.

"I'm really, really sorry!" Jade squeaked.

"Wasn't the bat plastic?" Rose asked. "You shouldn't get more than a bruise, at worst."

Both of them stared at her, Edward with an offended look, Jade with a worried one.

"--Sorry." she muttered. "Wrong thing to say. Are you feeling okay now?" 

"Better." he said, glowering at Rose.

"Well! This is pretty awkward!" Jade clapped her hands together and smiled brightly. "Don't you wanna see some puppets, Edward?" 

"Yes, I do. Thank you." Edward said, softening instantly. "What's this one?"

"That one's name is Betty Crocker! She, clearly, is named after..."

Rose smiled faintly at the two. "Do you need me to look after the counter for you while you show him around?"

"Can you do that?" the cashier responded eagerly.

"I don't see why not."

"Thank you so much, Rose!" Jade said cheerfully. "I'm gonna show him the throne in the showroom!"

" _Throne_?" he was saying increduloudly, but Jade was pushing him into the next room.

"Come on! You'll love it!"

Rose leiusurely sauntered over to the counter, sat down, and pulled out her phone.

TT: Hello again.  
TG: oh god finally  
TG: did you get rid of him  
TT: No, I took over the counter so that Jade could show him around.  
TG: hah  
TG: im gonna assume thats your feeble attempt at sarcasm  
TG: ironys my thing, rose  
TT: I assure you, I am in earnest.  
TG: youre serious  
TT: I'm serious.  
TG: you know what.  
TG: i ask you to do one fucking thing  
TG: rose for gods sake  
TT: I'm sorry, but I felt no inclination to 'get rid' of the perfectly normal--if a little rude--person who clearly wanted to spend time with Jade.  
TG: youre lucky im busy mixing ill jams  
TG: whatever  
TG: that dudes not worth anybodys time  
TG: yelling and carrying on like that  
TG: all because he unexpectedly got smacked in the head with a bat while walking into a store  
TG: actually wait nevermind  
TG: that makes him sound like justified or something  
TT: He wasn't?  
TG: im mixing see you later  
turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum!  
TT: Ah, taking the coward's way out, I see.

He didn't respond again, so Rose started to put her phone back in her pocket. Suddenly, she was alerted to another message.

gallowsCalibrator began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at ???  
GC: H3Y N3RD

Rose rolled her eyes. Trolls weren't too common on Pesterchum, but they were always. . . unique, to say in the least. Sometimes they were fun to indulge. Dave had a particularly fun few stories in which he anti-trolled some rather incapable ones and caused them to end up blocking _him_.

 _Well, I'm not really doing anything else,_ she thought, glancing around the empty gift shop. _Might as well have some fun._

TT: Greetings.  
GC: OH WOW YOU 4CTU4LLY R3SPOND3D  
GC: TH4T'S N3W W1TH YOU  
TT: I'm sorry, do I know you?  
GC: NOT Y3T  
GC: BUT YOU W1LL SOON  
GC: >:D  
TT: That certainly clears things up for me, then.  
GC: 1 R3COGN1Z3 TH4T  
GC: 1T'S S4RC4SM 1SN'T 1T!!  
GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 S4RC4ST1C ON3!  
TT: The strangeness is getting a bit wearisome.  
TT: If you intend to troll me, please do so before a customer comes in and I am forced to disconnect with you.  
GC: Y34H, Y34H, WH4T3V3R  
GC: 1'V3 GOT SOM3TH1NG TO T3LL YOU  
TT: Well, by all means, then. Please, speak your mind.  
GC: L34V3 YOUR BROTH3R 4LON3 4BOUT TH3 LOS3R.  
GC: H3'S R1GHT, KK 1S 4 TOT4L W3IN3R.  
TT: "KK"? Who is KK?  
GC: YOU KNOW, TH3 LOS3R WHO JUST SHOW3D UP 4T YOUR P4TH3T1C "N1GHTM4R3" SH4CK.  
GC: 4ND B3FOR3 YOU R3M4RK S4RC4ST1C4LLY ON MY V4ST KNOWL3DG3...  
GC: Y3S, 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 4T TH3 PUPP3T SH4CK, 4ND Y3S, 1 KNOW YOUR TW1N BROTH3R H4T3S TH3 3DGY LOS3R WHO JUST SHOW3D UP, 3V3N THOUGH H3 DO3SN'T KNOW WHY Y3T.  
GC: BUT I C4N'T 4NSW3R 4NY QU3ST1ONS 4BOUT HOW 1 KNOW, SO DON'T BOTH3R 4SK1NG 4BOUT TH4T.  
TT: Well, now I'm fairly sure I know who you are. But I will play along for the purposes of our mutual amusement.  
TT: You seem to have gotten one thing wrong, Mr or Miss or Whatever All-Knowing troll.  
GC: 4ND WH4T'S TH4T???  
TT: The "edgy loser" in question's name is Edward, not KK.  
GC: 1S H3 C4LL1NG H1MS3LF 3DW4RD???  
GC: H3 D1DN'T T3LL M3 TH4T!!!!!  
GC: PFFFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!!!!!!!  
TT: Are you implying that his name isn't Edward?  
GC: 1 PROB4BLY SHOULDN'T S4Y 4NYTH1NG MOR3  
GC: OR 1'LL 3ND UP G1V1NG 4W4Y SPO1L3RS  
TT: Spoilers?   
GC: WHOOPS, SPO1L3RS 4G41N!!  
GC: DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL F1ND OUT...  
GC: 3V3NTU4LLY.  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!  
TT: I see.  
TT: Well, while it was wonderful talking to you, I must log off now.  
GC: S4RC4SM 4G41N, BUT S4M3 TO YOU!  
GC: T1LL W3 SP34K 4G41N, F3LLOW S33R!  
gallowsCalibrator ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at ???  


Rose stared at her phone for a few moments.

"Interesting."

=====>

Dave was straight-up pissed off. And cool guys don't get pissed off easily.

Who the hell _was_ that guy, and why was he giving Dave such bizarre vibes? 

Sure, there was the black edgy hoodie problem. The wound design on the front somehow irked him even more than the fact that the loser kept the hood up over his head over his messy black hair, and his angry attitude.

He had found it was impossible to do any rad mixing while annoyed, so he had turned instead to simply leaning against various things and brooding. Right now he was leaning against Rose's dresser.

Suddenly, his arm slipped and he crashed to the ground, a few things from the dresser falling on top of him in the process. "Fuck!!"

Opening his eyes and readjusting his sunglasses, Dave shoved the books off of him, stopping when he came to a familiar one he'd extensively mocked Rose for obtaining.

_Twilight._

=====>

"Hey, Rose!" 

Rose looked up from the webcomic she was browsing on her phone and smiled at the welcome interruption. "Hi, John! What are you doing here?"

"I came to see Jade." John responded. "Our families are having dinner together tonight, and I wanted to make sure she'd get off in time."

"Is it that time already?" she asked, confused. It was only three in the afternoon.

"Well, no." John smiled shyly. "I also needed to ask you, Dave, and Miss Roxy if you wanted to come, too!"

"That's very kind of you." Rose replied. "I'm sure we'll be delighted to, but I should probably ask. Dave is upstairs pouting." She pulled up Pesterchum on her phone.

"Oh, I'll go ask him myself!" John was already heading towards the door that lead to the stairs. "We've got some stuff to discuss!"

Rose sighed. "Can you also tell your sister to hurry up in there after you're done?" she called. "I've been sitting here for twenty minutes, and I didn't bring a book to read!"

"Will do!" he shouted back, bounding up the stairs.

John strode down the long hall and shoved open the door to the twins' bedroom.

"Hey, Dave--"

" _Vampires_!!"


	5. the plot: thicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader sees the blocks of pesterlog, and instantly contemplates the stump.  
> I know, I know, not everyone likes reading pesterlogs as much as I do, and I promise I won't make it a habit of writing almost entire chapters in chat dialogue between characters and themselves!  
> (.....too often. >;] )

"Okay, okay. slow down." John said for the third time. " _Why_ do you think the dude's a vampire?"

"You're not listening, bro." Dave was pacing around the room, clutching the offending book in his white-knuckled hand. "The guy was wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood up indoors, in the summer. There's a blood design on it! Now that I think about it, his face looked all gray. And he totally had fangs."

At John's silence, Dave whirled around and stared at him. "What? You don't believe me?"

"Look, dude." John responded seriously. "I totally believe you. After the other day, I think there could totally be monsters or something in the woods. But..."

"But??"

"We need evidence." He stood up, glasses glinting, anime-style. "And we're going to get it. You got a camera?"

"Yeah, I got my phone."

"Let's go follow them."

" _Hell_ yes."

"Tomorrow, when they hang out again." John said quickly, smiling. "Right now, I have to make sure you guys are coming over tonight to have dinner with my and Jade's families."

"Oh."

He sat down on his bed next to John, slumping over a bit. There was silence for a moment.

"How did you know they were going to be hanging out again tomorrow?" Dave asked suddenly.

"I'm guessing. I don't know. But guys kinda fall over themselves for Jade sometimes, and I've learned to recognize the signs." he sighed. "A guy suddenly needs to be shown around the shack after meeting her? Definitely a suitor."

Dave slowly sat up. "What? They do?"

John laughed. "Yeah, sometimes. But she's completely oblivious. She's never even _had_ a boyfriend!"

"Why not?" Dave's voice was more incredulous than he perhaps intended it to be, but John paid no notice.

"Probably because of Jake."

"Who's Jake? You've mentioned him before." 

"Her awesome but also super overprotective older cousin."

"Your cousin?" Dave chuckled. "What's he like?"

"No," John corrected, "I'm not related to him, actually. It's kind of weird, though, because we look a bit similar." 

"So, he doesn't let anyone get close to her, then? How does that work?"

"Well..." John flashed him a sly smile. "I might help out a bit, too."

Dave began to laugh, but stopped suddenly as the realization hit him like a bus.

"Dude! That means a _vampire_ has a crush on Jade!"

"Oh, yeah! I forgot he was a vampire!" John jumped to his feet. "We need a plan!"

"If he does come over tomorrow, we've gotta try to force-feed him garlic or something."

"No, garlic doesn't work!" John scolded. "Have you ever seen the Lost Boys?"

"That's actually not too awful of a movie." Dave commented. "How come _you_ like it?"

"Rude!"

=====>

"And this is my personal favorite, Mr. Squiggles!" Jade said, pointing at the huge, brightly colored squid-shaped puppet. 

"Cool."

She rolled her eyes at him. "I'm starting to think you don't even really care about puppets at all, Edward!"

"Well..." he muttered. "I did just want to look around. I've never really seen so many puppets together in one place."

That was true. Karkat had never seen a puppet in person before, ever.

"Oh man! You've been missing out!" Jade said decisively. "You've gotta buy one of the miniature Squiggles we have at the counter before you go."

"Uh--I--"

"Oh, you know what! Just take one for free, for being such a great audience. I never get to do the tours!" She smiled fondly at the array of puppets decorating the walls and shelves. "Miss Roxy always does them, but she's not here right now. Sometimes she just kinda vanishes. Poof! Very, very mysterious!"

"Really."

"Oh, finally," Rose sighed as they came back into the gift shop. "You guys took your time!"

"He's never been to a puppet shack before!" Jade explained cheerfully, going behind the counter again. "I had to explain everything in great detail!"

"And I trust she did a very good job?" Rose turned her all-knowing stare upon the blob in the black hoodie. He sweated.

"Yes, I think so."

"Well, Jade, your cousin came around a few minutes ago." Rose said, stretching and exchanging places with her friend. "He wants to know if you're coming to the dinner party between your two families."

"Oh, yeah! I forgot about that!" She exclaimed. "We wanted to invite you and Dave, as well!"

"And I'm sure we'll be coming, if Roxy ever returns from her mysterious absence." Rose rolled her eyes. "I'm going to check on the boys upstairs."

Jade turned her attention back to the awkward visitor.

"It was wonderful to meet you." she said sincerely. "I'm glad I got to show you around! How long are you in town for?"

"Um-- a while." he answered quickly.

"Do you have a pesterchum?" she inquired.

"Yes! Do you?"

She snatched a loose, crumpled-up piece of paper--it couldn't be important--from the counter and scribbled her handle on it. "Of course! Text me, okay?"

"Definitely, I will!" Karkat exclaimed. _Yes, definitely._

"And if you ever feel like it, you can come back!" She winked. "I'll get Rose behind the counter again, and we can do the whole tour over again!"

"You know what? If that would make you happy, why the fuck not?"

Jade smiled.

ectoBiologist [EB]began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]at 4:01 PM  
EB: hello hello! dave! come in dave!  
TG: yo  
EB: ah! you're here!  
EB: while i'm helping set up for dinner...  
EB: we can get down to planning our vampire hunt!!  
TG: do we really need a plan though  
EB: dave! of course we do!  
EB: now, what i was thinking was, we should obtain several handheld mirrors...  
TG: what why do we need more than one  
EB: in case one breaks?? come on, get it together, dave!  
EB: everything's riding on this!  
EB: we have to put our best efforts into this to protect jade's neck!  
TG: ew dude  
TG: thats nasty  
TG: thats not a mental image i needed  
EB: shut up, dude!  
EB: whats wrong with her neck??  
TG: well for one thing its tan and smooth and  
TG: you know what  
TG: shut up  
TG: its just weird to think about your cousins neck thats all  
EB: well then! don't try to imagine what the monster would do to her neck...  
TG: im not  
EB: ...and how she would fall to the ground, swooning, helpless, her long, black hair cascading around her as he scoops her up on his arms...   
TG: im not dont worry  
EB: ... as he carried her limp, gentle body to his castle, where he would imprison her the rest of her immortal, young, beautiful life...  
TG: im not please stop now  
EB: ... feeling free to ravish her whenever it struck his fancy...  
TG: ...  
TG: too far, dude  
EB: too far?  
TG: too far  
EB: damn!  
TG: man vampires totally suck  
EB: ayyyyyy!!  
TG: ayyy  
EB: haha.  
EB: i'll bring the mirrors tomorrow! see you at dinner!  
ectoBiologist [EB]ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]at 4:09 PM

Dave smiled faintly at his computer screen. What a nut.

He began to shut the laptop, but noticed someone else's message pop up on the screen. A quick glance at the chumhandle made him do a double take.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at ???  
TG: sup

He blinked at it for a moment before reluctantly responding.

TG: um  
TG: sup  
TG: cool  
TG: youre taking this well  
TG: care to explain how you have the same chumhandle as me  
TG: thats an easy one  
TG: im you  
TG: dont shut the laptop yet ive got a message to relay to you  
TG: oh do you  
TG: from a friend of yours  
TG: who doesnt want to screw up the timeline any worse than its already been screwed with  
TG: so shes waiting to meet you when she meets you  
TG: shes always hated timeline shenanigans  
TG: likes things to be linear  
TG: oh really  
TG: who might that be  
TG: damn dude you should know i cant tell you anything about her  
TG: thats basically what i just said  
TG: ... but i guess  
TG: i can tell you that eventually   
TG: she will mean a lot to you  
TG: you uh can interpret that any way you want  
TG: is that the message  
TG: pretty lame i gotta say  
TG: no thats not it  
TG: the message is this  
TG: "L3T YOURS3LF F33L TH1NGS, 1D1OT. TH4T'S HOW TH1NGS ST4RT H4PP3N1NG. TH3 FUTUR3 1S UP TO YOU."  
TG: thats it  
TG: let myself feel emotions  
TG: omfg thats the best you could come up with  
TG: pretending to be me from the future or whatever the shit  
TG: well im also part bird  
TG: so theres that  
TG: what even the fuck?  
TG: but dont worry  
TG: im you  
TG: but you dont actually become me in this timeline  
TG: so uh no need to worry about becoming a bird eventually  
TG: goodbye forever loser im blocking you this bullshittery just reached a new level of unrealness  
TG: have a nice bird life douchebag  
TG: good luck with jade.  
TG: fuck you.  
TG: i hope you can actually treat her right in this timeline  
TG: shes the coolest and she deserves better than either of us  
TG: you dont know anything about that  
TG: i mean i agree with you there but  
TG: ...wait what are you implying  
TG: that i dated her.  
TG: and it was great  
TG: until it wasnt  
TG: but that was my fault anyway  
TG: so yeah  
TG: ok now i know youre a huge liar because she would never date me  
TG: any version of me  
TG: especially a bullshitty bird me  
TG: youd be surprised  
TG: ok you know what fine  
TG: im listening to you now  
TG: so gimme some kind of proof that youre me  
TG: tell me something only dave would know  
TG: you sure you want me to do that dude  
TG: my finger is hovering over the block button  
TG: wanna test me bitch  
TG: ugh fine  
TG: two words  
TG: jonas brothers.  
TG: ...youve fallen silent  
TG: hello  
TG: are you even still there  
TG: well now i know for a fact youre a liar because i would never ever go there under any circumstances thirteen year old me was a different person altogether and future me would know that  
TG: you wanted proof dude i dunno what to tell you  
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

Dave rubbed his temples and shut the laptop. He was getting a headache.

=====>

cardioGenetecist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 4:30 PM  
CG: HEY. JADE.  
GG: hi edward!  
GG: mr edgy mc edgelord!  
GG: :D  
GG: its so nice to talk to you again!  
GG: hows your head? <_<'  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: OH, YEAH.  
CG: IT'S FINE. IT FEELS GREAT.  
GG: oh phew!  
GG: good thing im not that strong hehe  
GG: otherwise itd be a lot worse!  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: HEY, LISTEN. YOU KNOW MY NAME?  
GG: uhhh, yes?  
GG: what about it?  
CG: IT'S NOT MY REAL NAME. MY REAL NAME IS WEIRD AND I'M SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT. AND I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU PROMISE YOU WON'T LAUGH AT ME  
GG: what???   
GG: of course i wont laugh!!  
GG: whats your real name then???  
CG: IT'S  
CG: IT'S KARKAT.  
GG: thats such an awesome name!!  
GG: is it german or something?  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: UM, PROBABLY.   
GG: well i dont know why youd be self conscious about that!  
GG: i think thats great! :D  
GG: why didnt you want to tell me and dave what it was?  
CG: THAT FUCKER? YOU SAW HOW HE BELITTLED ME MORONICALLY AFTER HEARING A PERFECTLY NORMAL, REASONABLE NAME.  
GG: ohhh yeah  
GG: :(  
GG: sorry about that, i dont know why he did that!  
GG: hes normally such a cool guy!  
CG: WHATEVER. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM.  
CG: BUT YEAH, THAT'S MY REAL NAME. WHOOPEE.  
CG: ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME!  
CG: HOW ARE YOU?  
GG: oh, you know!  
GG: just wasting time reading stupid fanfic  
GG: :B  
CG: JADE. PLEASE.  
CG: FANFICTION IS FAR FROM STUPID. IT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE NETWORK OF FANS-- A "FANDOM", IF YOU WILL--AS IT ALLOWS INDIVIDUALS TO EXPRESS THEIR TALENTS AND SHARE THEIR 'HEADCANONS' ABOUT CHARACTERS IN A WAYS IMPOSSIBLE BEFORE.  
CG: IT IS AN INTELLECTUAL AND CREATIVE EXERCISE FOR THE WRITERS AND A WONDERFUL EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE FOR THE READERS.  
CG: FANFICTION HAS GREAT VALUE IN ANY CULTURED SOCIETY OF ANY INTELLIGENT SPECIES, WITH OR WITHOUT HORNS.  
GG: oh wow karkat!!!  
GG: its so cool to think about it that way!! :O  
GG: jeez, that is so fun to consider!! it being a powerful means of communications among fans... so cool!  
GG: ... wait, what was that about horns???  
CG: UH, THAT WAS A  
CG: JOKE???  
GG: lol whoops doesnt that make me look dumb  
GG: i still havent finished reading daves webcomic!  
GG: that sounds like one of those jokes!  
GG: am i wrooooong?  
CG: HAHA, YOU GOT IT! I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT ALL OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID MEANS.  
GG: but, you read fanfic, then???  
GG: what kinds?  
GG: :B :B :B   
CG: FUCK!  
CG: I GOTTA GO NOW!!  
CG: BUT I'LL BE BACK SOON TO TALK! WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS FANFIC THING, OK?? SEE YOU LATER!!  
GG: wait!  
cardioGenetecist [CG] is now an idle chum!  
GG: <3  
GG: fuck! D:  


Karkat slammed down the laptop and glared at the intruder. "What do you want??"

Terezi leaned on the doorframe and grinned maniacally. "Well, you weren't answering my messages on pesterchum, so I had to come and see you in person! And you were typing pretty fast on that little keyboard! Click click click! Found yourself a human girlfriend so quickly, really?"

Despite her mocking tone, Karkat could sense some unrecognizable undertone in Terezi's voice. He chose to ignore it.

"No, but I did find a human friend," he snapped. "So fuck off. I'm trying to keep up an interspecies relationship here."

She raised an eyebrow. He realized his mistake instantly.

"Friendship. Fuck. I meant friendship!"

"Those freudan slips do not become you, Karkar!" she sang, slipping out of the room. "Somebody's got reeeed feeeeeelings!"

Her cackles echoed down the hallway as she retreated.

Karkat breathed a sigh of relief and opened the laptop again.

A head popped in the doorway a second later. He slammed it shut yet again.

"What the fuck!! What now?"

It was Gamzee. "Heyyy, motherfucker," he drawled, strolling into Karkat's cell. "How was the whole expedition-y thing?"

"It went fine. I'm actually talking to a human right now. Normally. Not trolling or anything."

"Sounds sweet, dude. What's her name?"

Karkat's eyes narrowed. "You too, Gamz?"

His friend's dazed grin got wider. "Sorry, brother. Didn't mean to assume or nothin'. What's _his_ name, then?"

"Don't get smart with me, 'brother!'" he hissed. "I don't even know why you idiots are so hung up on the 'gay' jokes! It doesn't even fucking matter with our society!"

"We've been livin' on a human planet for ten human years, motherfucker. Takin' in all the human media. There're bound to be some side effects, aren't there?"

Karkat blinked.

"Was that an almost intelligent observation?"

"Honk."

"Nevermind." he growled, opening his computer. "Just stay quiet and don't bug me while I'm talking to her."

Gamzee slid down onto his cot, leaning against the wall. "So when're you goin' to see her again? Tomorrow?"

He rolled his eyes, but answered. "I hope so."

"Coooool."

CG: OK, I'M BACK. SORRY. HAD TO GET RID OF SOMEBODY.  
GG: oh! thats sooner than i expected!  
GG: but very welcome! :)  
CG: UM, WHERE WERE WE?  
GG: you were going to tell me what kinds of fanfic you read?

Gamzee choked. Karkat winced.

"You read motherfuckin' _fanfic,_ motherfucker?"

"Your vocabulary is truly astounding." he hissed back. "Shut the hell up."

CG: OH. YEAH.  
CG: HAVE YOU EVER READ A POPULAR NOVEL SERIES STARRING STAR CROSSED LOVERS AND VAMPIRES?  
GG: what!!! you mean twilight??  
GG: wait. wait. oh my god.   
GG: THAT'S why you said your name was edward???????

Karkat braced himself for the mockery as Gamzee hooted next to him, falling over his shoulders with uncontrollable laughter.

CG: YES. IT WAS THE FIRST NAME THAT CAME TO MIND.  
GG: that has to be the cutest thing EVER!!!  
CG: WHAT  
GG: that was the first name you could think of because of twilight!!!  
GG: im dying omg!!  
GG: god karkat we NEED to hang out tomorrow!!!  
CG: WHAT  
GG: oh, shit, im working i forgot  
GG: :P  
GG: oh wait! would you want to come over to the puppet shop to hangout tomorrow? it wouldnt be all that interesting but my friends would be there, and my cousin!  
GG: theyre all super fun and way way cooler than me! youll love them!!  
GG: pleeeeaaaase? :)))  
CG: YES!!  
CG: I MEAN, SURE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE FUN.  
GG: yaaaayyyyyy!!  
GG: i gotta go help set up for dinner rn.  
GG: cant wait!  
CG: OK, SEE YOU TOMORROW, THEN.  
GG: <3  
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering cardioGenetecist [CG] at 5:08 PM!

The two trolls stared at the two little symbols forming a heart on Karkat's pesterlog.

"Wow, congrats, brother," Gamzee said, getting up and stretching. "Looks like you've actually found a motherfuckin' girl."

"Get the fuck out of my cell!" Karkat screeched, whacking him with the pillow. He was blushing too hard to be seen right now.

=====>

"So, you've found a human to talk to?"

Karkat stared determinedly at his dinner plate. "Yes." 

"And you've got her pesterchum handle?"

"Yes."

"So, she's your friend now, right?"

Karkat glared at Equius.

"Why?"

Equius scratched his chin, thinking.

"I was considering the possibility that we could all attempt to. . . befriend your human friend on pesterchum." he explained. "We all have accounts, and it would be good practice _not_ just trolling anyone and everyone, like you and Terezi have the habit of doing."

Karkat blinked, surprised.

_It's a good idea, but..._

"I mean, there's other humans Jade knows, probably." Karkat muttered. "There were a few that I saw yesterday who she seemed to know well."

"Why not obtain the pesterchum handles of the other humans you met, then, and introduce us online?" Equius suggested. "You can always just say we live far away, or something similar to that."

"I guess that's a good idea." he mumbled.

"So you'll do it?"

Karkat shrugged."

=====>

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 5:34 PM  
TT: Dave, are you coming to dinner? Roxy and I are leaving now.  
TT: ...Are you still pouting in our room?  
TT: Do I need to come up there?  
TG: im not pouting dammit  
TG: im planning  
TT: Planning what?  
TG: what exactly is in the book of yours  
TG: the journal i mean  
TG: does it mention anything but aliens  
TT: It just talks about aliens and interdimensional gates.  
TG: no vampires or anything then  
TT: Not to my memory. Why?  
TG: no reason  
TT: Oh, wait. Are you implying what I think you are?  
TT: Are you really this jealous of Edward already?  
TT: He's just a weirdo in a black hoodie, Dave.  
TG: thats what he wants you to think  
TG: egbert agrees with me just ask him  
TT: Dave, John would agree with anyone if it meant getting to prank someone with garlic and holy water.  
TG: are you implying his support isnt valid  
you wound me sister dear  
TT: That is exactly what I'm implying, yes.  
And I'm sorry, but you don't pull that phrase off nearly as well as I do.  
TG: whatever rose   
TG: youll see  
TG: lets just hope it doesnt take jade being kidnapped into the forest to have her blood drained to do it  
TT: We're leaving without you, Dave.  
TG: cool bye  
TT: Do you really want to miss the chance to meet Jane and Jake? I thought you thought they sounded rather intriguing.  
TG: i want to make sure our friend doesnt get eaten by vampires bye  
TT: Roxy will be displeased.  
TG: thats a first  
TT: Dave, you know you want to go. Besides, vampires don't eat people.  
TG: do i know that  
TG: and yes they do thats exactly what they do  
TT: Drinking blood doesn't really count as eating.  
TG: yes it does bye  
TT: Fine. You win.  
TG: thank you finally  
TT: For now.  
TG: GOODBYE  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 5:47 PM

Dave slammed the laptop shut and opened the accursed vampire romance novel. He shuddered involuntarily.

It was going to be painful.

But for Jade--sorry, for _research,_ he would endure even the weirdest and stupidest of teen entertainment.

=====>

Karkat, at the same time, was also suffering. Though from something different entirely.

His own self-loathing. 

More specifically, his self-loathing personified by his future self.

FCG: OKAY, FUCK. JUST LISTEN, ALL RIGHT?  
CCG: NO! HELL NO! HOW ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME?  
CCG: THE COMPUTERS DON'T WORK LIKE THIS ANYMORE, THEY HAVEN'T SINCE THE CRASH!!  
FCG: WELL, MAYBE SOMEBODY FIXES THEM IN THE FUTURE, DUMBASS. IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO CONSIDER!!  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DAMAGE. I'M JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW THIS SHIT WORKS. YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONTACT MY COMPUTER BECAUSE MINE IS DISCONNECTED ANYWAY!  
FCG: FUCKING HELL!! IT DOESN'T MATTER, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU, I'M IN A *HUGE* HURRY RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVEN'T SHUT UP LONG ENOUGH TO LET ME SAY IT!  
FCG: GOD, PAST ME IS SUCH A HUGE LOSER.  
CCG: LOOK WHO'S TALKING, MORON! HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO GET EVEN DUMBER AS THEY GET OLDER?  
FCG: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WON'T LISTEN TO MY FUTURE WISDOM!!  
FCG: ANYONE ELSE CONTACTED BY THEIR FUTURE SELF WOULD SHOW THEM A LITTLE MORE RESPECT!  
CCG: NO, PRETTY SURE I'M CLEARLY DOING THE NORMAL THING HERE. YOU'RE THE IDIOT.  
FCG: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY OR NOT?  
CCG: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT! THOUGH I CAN'T POSSIBLY IMAGINE THAT IMPORTANT INFORMATION CAN BE SHARED THROUGH SUCH A MORONIC DOUCHEBAG.  
FCG: DAMN.  
FCG: I FORGOT HOW AWFUL MY SELF LOATHING WAS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS SUMMER.  
FCG: YOU'RE LITERALLY TRYING TO FIGHT WITH ME BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF *THAT MUCH*, AREN'T YOU?  
FCG: THAT'S ENTIRELY PATHETIC! YOU HAVE TO GROW OUT OF THIS STUPIDITY.  
CCG: DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY OR NOT???  
FCG: OH YEAH.  
FCG: YOU NEED TO LOOK MORE CAREFULLY AT THAT PAPER JADE GAVE YOU.  
CCG: I'M LOOKING AT IT NOW. IT HAS HER PESTERCHUM HANDLE ON IT. WHOOPEE.  
FCG: UNFOLD IT, DUMBASS!  
CCG: OH 2X WHOOPEE COMBO, THREE MORE DELIGHTFUL HANDLES. WHOSE ARE THEY? I MEAN, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY GOING TO TELL ME, BUT I'LL ASK ANYWAY FOR THE SAKE OF IT.  
FCG: THEY BELONG TO THE HUMANS STAYING AT THE PUPPET SHOP. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THOSE.  
FCG: THE FIRST ONE IS JOHN'S HANDLE, WHO WASN'T AT THE SHOP WHEN YOU WERE THERE THE OTHER DAY.  
CCG: JOHN? WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN?  
FCG: SHUT UP! I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT!!  
FCG: I'M STARTING TO REGRET MESSAGING YOU AT ALL, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I CLEARLY REMEMBER SEEING THE MESSAGE AND THAT INFLUENCING MY ACTIONS, SO I CAN'T NOT DO IT UNLESS I WANT TO BREAK A TIME LOOP, WHICH IS NOT A SMART THING TO DO AT ALL.  
CCG: ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHO THE FUCK JOHN IS, OR WHY I NEED THESE HANDLES, OR WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING AT ALL?  
FCG: I'LL MAKE THIS SHORT.  
FCG: EQUIUS SUGGESTED TO YOU THAT THE REST OF THE TROLLS MESSAGED YOUR OTHER HUMAN ACQUAINTANCES.  
FCG: YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE THESE HANDLES AND THE OTHER ONE TO YOUR FRIENDS, AND THEY'RE GOING TO START CONTACTING THE HUMANS. FOR PRACTICE.  
FCG: BUT IT'S GOING TO BE FOR A LOT MORE THAN PRACTICE IN THE LONG RUN.  
FCG: TONIGHT, YOU'RE GOING TO PASS OUT THE HANDLES TO EVERYONE. THEY'RE GOING TO BEGIN MESSAGING THE HUMANS EITHER TONIGHT OR TOMORROW MORNING.  
FCG: TOMORROW, YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THE TWO WHOSE HANDLES YOU'VE JUST ACQUIRED, AS WELL AS JOHN. IN PERSON.  
FCG: DON'T... DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH OUT OF THAT.  
FCG: AND DON'T GET TOO HUNG UP ON JADE.   
CCG: FUCK FUCKITY FUCK YOU, I DIDN'T NEED THAT OMINOUS SOUNDING MESSAGE AT ALL WITH MY LEVEL OF ANXIETY, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT SINCE YOU WERE ME!  
FCG: OKAY, I ONLY SAID THAT BECAUSE I REMEMBER HEARING IT, AND I'M REALLY SORRY FOR THAT, IT SUCKED THE FIRST TIME.  
CCG: FUCK YOU!!!  
FCG: BUT DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT FLUSHED AND BLACK QUADRANTS. YOU DON'T NEED THAT, OK?  
CCG: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!! FUTURE ME IS A STRAIGHT-UP DOUCHE!!  
FCG: I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO STOP MESSAGING YOU NOW.  
FCG: I'M PRETTY SURE MY WORK HERE IS DONE ANYWAY  
FCG: AND YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS TO DEAL WITH.  
FCG: HAVING TO EXPLAIN THIS GAVE ME A HEADACHE AND I ALREADY *HAD* A MASSIVE HEADACHE FROM ALL THE DAMN GREEN LIGHT.  
CCG: GREEN LIGHT?  
CCG: WAIT, DON'T LEAVE YET!! AREN'T YOU GOING TO TELL ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT??  
FCG: I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.  
FCG: FYI, YOU WERE PROBABLY ALREADY GOING TO DO ALL THIS SHIT ANYWAY, I JUST INITIATED A STABLE TIME LOOP TO ENSURE IT.   
FCG: THE TIME MORONS DEMANDED IT.  
CCG: I MEAN *IMPORTANT* IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!  
CCG: LIKE -- WHAT HAPPENS WITH CERTAIN PEOPLE!!! AND HOW TO PROCEED WITH CERTAIN TROLLS!!!  
FCG: SORRY, KARKAT, AND I TRULY DO MEAN THAT, BECAUSE I REMEMBER BEING INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATED AT THIS LAME-ASS RESPONSE I'M ABOUT TO UNLEASH UPON YOU  
FCG: BUT YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLDER. YOU CAN'T KNOW NOW.  
FCG: BUT I CAN SAY YOU WILL BE SURPRISED, BECAUSE YOUR MATESPRIT TURNS OUT TO BE--  
FCG: WHOOPS, SPOILERS, ASSHOLE! GOOD RIDDANCE, I BID YOU A FINAL FUCKING FAREWELL!  
FCG: YOU FUCKASS.  
FutureCardioGenetecist [FCG] ceased trolling CurrentCardioGenetecist [CCG] at ???

Karkat slammed the laptop shut and resisted the urge to chuck it across the room entirely. Barely.

Taking a few deep breaths, he opened his laptop again. As much as he hated his future self's smug self-assurance, he couldn't very well ignore a clear message from the past. Even if he _really_ wanted to.

And Future Karkat had been right, he _had_ been planning on giving out the pesterchums to the other trolls as soon as he got them.

Future Karkat obviously, for some reason, wanted to speed up the process.

And since it _technically_ wasn't a paradox for him to receive them, since they were on a piece of paper that he had gotten properly and chronologically (even if he had been too stupid to unfold it before), he could begin right away.

And would.

cardioGenetecist [CG] opened a memo at 6:06 PM  
CG: ATTENTION ALL DUMBASSES. YOUR LEADER IS SPEAKING.  
CG: APPARENTLY THESE HUMANS ARE GOING TO GET A BIGGER PRIORITY THAN WE PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. I HAVE THEIR PESTERCHUM HANDLES RIGHT HERE, AND WE'RE LOCKED AND LOADED AND READY TO GO.  
CG: EVERYONE'S GONNA BE ASSIGNED A RANDOM HUMAN OF THE FOUR TO TALK TO. RESPOND TO THIS MEMO AND I'LL TELL EVERYONE WHO THEY'RE ASSIGNED.  
CG: NOW, WHO'S READY TO GET TROLLING?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CG: AND BY TROLLING, CLEARLY, I MEAN NORMAL, INTERSPECIES COMMUNICATION NOT RELATED TO BEING PURPOSELY OBNOXIOUS IN ANY WAY.  
> GA: Yes Karkat We Understood
> 
>  
> 
> I know, this one was heavy on the pesterlog. I'm working on a memo for the next chapter, which will be hopefully funny but also a bit revealing of characters. Since, as you, being clever and intelligent readers, have already noticed, I've changed personalities and writing styles ever-so-slightly to try to convey who I think these characters truly would be years older than in Homestuck and also not having been thrown into a universe-creating/destroying, murderous, terrifying game at thirteen years old.
> 
> ((Just to be clear: in this AU, Earth and our universe were **_**not**_** created by the trolls' Sgrub game. It already existed, as did Alternia; the two universes simply were far-off and unaware of the others' existence. What happened with Alternia and why the trolls are on earth _****is****_ plot-relevant, which is why I haven't explained it clearly yet. But that is not for lack of planning on my part(!!!): there is method behind this madness. Every inconsistency you see with the setting and characters has a reason, and I think particularly sharp readers will already know who our villain(s) will be.))


	6. Be JOHN EGBERT.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets a few new friends via the internet. He and Dave continue to plot against Karkat, who continues to attempt to "communicate" with Jade, who may or may not suspect anything. Vriska may or may not have several, if not ALL, of the irons in the fire already, and Kanaya is so done with everyone's bullshit.  
> Just another day in the Falls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, so sorry this chapter took so long. I've had it done for more than a month (please don't h8 me) but the formatting took forever and is a LOAD OF SHIT to do huge pesterlogs with.  
> However, I love memos to death, so I will suffer for you all.  
> Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner. This story _will_ be completed!!!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (SOM3T1M3 1N TH3 N3XT FOUR Y34RS. 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!!!!)

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH_!!!"

Record scratch. Freeze frame.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are screaming, partially hanging out of the golf cart, holding onto the pole as tightly as you can. As well you should, since it is the only thing keeping you from toppling out.

Rose is screaming, in the backseat, and probably about to puke as well.

Hell, even Dave, in the driver's seat, clutching the wheel tightly in his even-paler-than-average hands, is screaming at the top of his lungs. Apparently, he screams pretty high-pitched. You should file that information away for future pranks. 

But you're busy at the moment. 

As aforementioned. 

Screaming your head off.

Your sweet and bubbly cousin Jade probably would be screaming, too, but she's gagged and bound to a tree in the clearing ahead of you. Surrounded by--

Well, you should probably explain how this situation came about before getting into this madness.

. . .This morning should be a good place to start.

 

"Good morning, Nicholas Cage. Good morning, Matt Macconahey." John said excitedly, sitting up in his bed. "Do you know what I'm doing today?"

None of his many movie posters answered him. They simply gazed upon him with various expressions of befuddlement, seriousness, and smugness, depending on each poster's respective movie plot.

"I'm going to get evidence that some random dude is a vampire." John stated proudly.

The posters looked at him.

"And it's gonna be great." With that, he jumped out of bed and sprang into his swivel chair, turning on his computer and pulling up pesterchum.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 7:22 AM  
EB: gooooood morning, dave!  
EB: being the awesome and totally not grudge-holding friend that i am, i will forgive you for not showing up to the dinner party last night.  
EB: i know, i know! my generosity knows no bounds.  
EB: but in all honesty, i was really excited for you to come, and i was disappointed when you didn't. but it's all good!  
EB: i'm too excited about what we're gonna do today to be mad.  
EB: you all ready to discover, slay, and potentially high-five vampires?  
EB: hellooo? what's going on? giving me the silent treatment or something?  
EB: ...oh right. you get up super late.  
EB: boooo.  
EB: i guess i'll message you later?  
EB: maybe i'll just get the stuff together and show up at the shack to surprise you!  
EB: ok, that's what i'm doing. see you soon!  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 7:26 AM

He was about to turn it off when he noticed another chum online. Pleasantly surprised, he shot her a message.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT] at 7:26 AM  
EB: hey, rose!  
TT: Good morning, John.  
TT: What are you doing up so early on a Saturday?  
EB: i get up around this time every day!  
EB: unlike that lazy cool dude brother of yours.  
TT: Yes, he does have the habit of sleeping in late.  
TT: Forgive me for making unwarranted assumptions about the entire male adolescent group based upon my twin alone.  
EB: haha, what?  
EB: oh! ha.  
EB: i'd say your assumption is fairly accurate. i'm probably an exception, honestly.  
EB: derp derp derppp, i'm a weirdo who gets up early!  
TT: I wasn't gonna say it.  
EB: haha!  
EB: ANYway...  
EB: are you part of the PLAN?  
EB: are you IN ON IT?  
TT: That depends on what the "PLAN" is.  
TT: It wouldn't happen to relate to a certain hooded new friend of Jade's, now, would it?  
EB: yes! man, i knew it.  
EB: what do you think we should do?  
TT: Excuse me?  
EB: i mean, there are lots of methods of outing vampires.  
EB: i'm going the garlic and holy water route myself.  
EB: (i kinda think it'll be fun just to splash him with water!)  
EB: hehehehehehehe.  
TT: John.  
EB: although we could alsooo try to get him to my or jades house, but that's a complicated thing to do...  
EB: you know, without technically inviting him.  
EB: since the point is to see if he can actually get in without being invited...  
TT: John.  
EB: oh, sorry. what is it? do you have any reservations? is that what youre saying?  
EB: is it the holy water thing??  
EB: it's the holy water thing, isn't it!  
EB: i didn't know you were religious, i'm super sorry!  
EB: but dont worry! i'm sure we can find another way.  
TT: John!  
EB: sorry, sorry!! what is it?  
TT: I don't want to participate in the vampire hunting. Period.  
EB: what??  
EB: aw man!  
EB: oh well, i guess. more splashing douchebags for me and dave.  
TT: I'm not sure you should do it at all.  
EB: whaaaaat? why?  
EB: it might be a real life vampire who wants to hurt jade!!  
TT: As attractive and intriguing as I find vampires...  
TT: I seriously doubt their species' existence.  
EB: come on, rose!  
EB: don't be a spoilsport!  
TT: I mean, clearly, I cannot stop you...  
TT: However, let it be known that I made clear my stern disapproval of your shenanigans.  
EB: noted. and i totally get why.  
EB: but in the very least, it's just dumping water on yet another douche who wants to get in jade's pants. ugh.  
EB: i personally have no such issues with this brand of virtuous pranking!  
TT: Keeping this in mind and maintaining my position of disapproval...  
TT: I hope you have fun.  
EB: me too! see you later, rose!  
TT: Oh! And, John?  
EB: yeah?  
TT: I will be knitting on the lawn this afternoon. If you happen to decide to bring the party outdoors.  
EB: duly noted!  
TT: Heard and understood?  
EB: loud and clear as the strong, stern command to put the bunny back in the box.  
TT: That was quite the segway.  
EB: i am a simple man.  
EB: i saw the opportunity.  
EB: i took it.  
EB: later!  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 7:34 AM

While he was still talking to Rose, someone had begun messaging him. Ignoring it until he had finished, he now turned his attention to them.

 _Naturally. A troll._ John refrained from sighing heavily, and glanced at the messages.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 7:35 AM  
GA: Greetings  
GA: You Are The John Human Correct  
GA: I Have Recieved Your Pesterchum Handle From A Mutual Friend  
GA: And I Would Like To Talk To You About Potentially Being Friends  
GA: Is That All Right  
EB: uh...  
EB: this is already pretty weird.  
EB: and i think it's kinda too early for this shit. i might have to cut this short!  
GA: Excuse Me  
EB: besides, i'm gonna be really busy today with the vampire, so...  
GA: Vampire  
GA: What Vampire  
GA: Theres No Vampire  
GA: Who Told You About Vampires  
EB: whoa, dude!! chill!  
EB: my cousin seems to be getting involved with a vampire from the woods!  
EB: it doesn't concern you, who even are you?  
GA: First Of All  
GA: John Human  
GA: I Am A Girl And Not A Dude  
EB: i don't... what?  
GA: Second Of All I Believe You Are Mistaken Concerning  
GA: Wait  
GA: Is It Considered Strange To Address Your Species In That Way  
GA: Would You Prefer  
GA: John Young Male  
GA: Or Perhaps John Potential Friend  
EB: dude, i have literally no idea what you're talking about??  
GA: I Literally Just Asked You Not To Call Me Dude  
EB: oh, whoops. force of habit.  
GA: Have I Said Something Wrong  
GA: Have I Made A Mistake  
GA: I Am New To Contacting People I Have Never Met Before  
GA: Lets Just Start Over If You Dont Mind  
GA: My Name Is Kanaya And I Have Recieved Your Pesterchum Handle From A Mutual Friend  
GA: I Would Like To Get To Know You  
EB: okay, okay, fine.  
EB: if we're gonna do this, let's do it right at least.  
GA: What  
EB: let's pretend i'm a poor innocent human and you're some bloodsucking spider or something ridiculous like that.  
EB: and you've somehow decided to contact me somehow.  
EB: to troll me. or befriend me. or something.  
GA: John You Arent Listening  
GA: You Are Mistaken  
GA: I Am Not Here To Troll You  
EB: man, how dumb do you think i am??  
GA: For The Purposes Of Remaining Cordial  
GA: I Will Refrain From Answering This Question  
GA: And Simply Ask You Why You Are Under The Impression That I Am  
GA: "Trolling You"  
EB: it says you're trolling me at the top of the page!!!  
GA: Wait Does It  
GA: Oh Dear I Forgot To Use A Human Browser  
GA: Thats My Mistake  
GA: I Can See Why Youd Be Confused There  
EB: oh yeah! you're a spider monster, right? not human!  
EB: sooo weeeeird! can't you guys troll normally, at least?  
GA: I Am Not A Spider  
GA: I Fear You Have Me Mistaken With One Of My Acquaintances  
GA: See That Was A Joke  
GA: In Hindsight One You Wouldnt Understand So Ill Explain I Suppose  
GA: Because She Loves Spiders  
GA: I Referred To Her As A Spider  
GA: See How Good I Am At Jokes And Friendship  
EB: oh my god. this is the weirdest conversation i've ever had.  
EB: ok, you're just FRIENDS with a spider monster, then?  
GA: I Would Not Refer To Us As Friends  
GA: We Are Acquaintances At Best  
EB: wow, cold!  
EB: the spider's feelings are sure to be hurt! lol.  
GA: She Has No Feelings  
GA: She Is A Cold Calculating Rude Heartless Bitch Whom I Do Not Care To Speak Of At The Moment  
EB: whoa, shit.  
GA: Excuse My Harsh Language  
GA: We Recently Went Through A Difficult  
GA: Well  
GA: You Could Call It A Breakup Of Sorts  
EB: man. i thought you seemed smarter than this.  
EB: resorting to trolling in order to let off steam isn't a good way to solve your emotional problems, kanaya!!  
GA: Again I Am Not Trolling You  
GA: This Is An Attempt At Conversation  
GA: A Cordial Extension Of The Possibility Of Amicable Relations I Suppose One Might Say  
EB: that sure was a weird way to put that, but...  
EB: ok, fine, fine. you seem fine.  
EB: weird as hell, but overall chill, i guess.  
GA: Is This  
GA: Is This Acceptance  
GE: Excuse Me I Am Genuinely Unable To Tell Considering Your Various Mood Swings  
EB: look, dude, you obviously have some baggage here.  
GA: John  
EB: i mean girl! you're a girl with some baggage!  
EB: but sure, let's be friends! why not?  
GA: I Am Smiling!  
GA: I Have Succeeded In Befriending A Human  
GA: I Mean  
GA: Another Human  
EB: man, so weird!!  
EB: ok, whatever, let's just get started being buddies, since you're so stuck on that.  
EB: what do you know about nic cage?  
GA: One Moment  
GA: Nicholas Kim Coppola Is An American Actor As Well As A Producer And Director Born January 7 1964  
GA: Yes I Totally Know About Him What About Him  
EB: hahahahaha!  
EB: you just googled him!!  
EB: i MEAN have you seen any of his movies?  
GA: I Have Not  
EB: watch con air! we can talk about it!  
GA: I Will Do That  
GA: And Message You Tonight If That Is All Right And Not Too Early  
EB: great! i'll tell you about the vampire hunting later, too, since you seemed to be excited about that!  
GA: Yes About That I Have A Few Questions  
EB: gotta go! bye!  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 7:47 AM  
GA: Is This Vampire Someone You Met In A Puppet Shop  
GA: Oh Wait Youre Gone  
GA: That Is A Little Embarassing  
GA: Goodbye Then Until Next Time

===>Your name is Kanaya Maryam and that was most DEFINITELY NOT YOUR FINEST MOMENT.

. 

_I should have picked a different human to contact._ Kanaya rubbed her temples. 

John seemed quite impatient and ornery, and though he seemed to eventually accept her proposition for friendship, she was still unsure of his true feelings. 

She had a sneaking suspicion that he was simply making fun of her.

_Maybe I should have researched human entertainment like the others, instead of learning everything about their fashions. John did not seem like the type to discuss color theory and material types for jackets._

Suddenly remembering the implications of his vampire nonsense, Kanaya sent someone she wouldn't normally call a mutual friend a message.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling cardioGenetecist at 7:48 AM  
GA: Whoops  
GA: I Should Probably Fix That  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling cardioGenetecist [CC] at 7:49 AM  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering cardioGenetecist [CG] at 7:49 AM  
GA: Karkat  
CG: OH, HI, KANAYA. DID YOU MESSAGE THE HUMAN YET?  
GA: Yes That Is Why I Contacted You  
GA: I Feel That Further Contact Among These Humans Might Be  
GA: Dangerous For You  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
GA: The Human I Messaged  
GA: He Seemed Perturbed About Something  
GA: He Claimed That His Cousin Had Befriended A Vampire  
GA: Or Something Like That  
GA: It Was Difficult To Make Sense Of His Gobbledygook For The Most Part  
CG: YOU FOUND OUT THAT JOHN IS JADE'S COUSIN? REALLY?  
CG: WAIT. ARE YOU CLAIMING THAT JADE'S COUSIN THINKS I'M A VAMPIRE?  
CG: THAT'S COMPLETELY RETARDED BULLSHIT.  
CG: ALTHOUGH A BIT FLATTERING IN SOME WAYS.  
GA: Karkat Im Serious  
GA: You Should Be Careful  
GA: Do You Know What They Do With Vampires  
CG: THEY BURN THEM.  
CG: OR STICK THEM WITH A STAKE IN THE HEART, OR SHOOT THEM WITH SILVER BULLETS. OR DROWN THEM, OCCASIONALLY.  
CG: I DON'T THINK THAT A TEENAGE HUMAN WILL BE CAPABLE OF ATTACKING ME LIKE THAT.  
GA: Putting Aside My Surprise That You Actually Know What Humans Do To Vampires  
GA: And Ignoring My Instant Curiosity And Instinct To Ask You About That  
GA: I Still Think You Should Be Careful  
GA: We Do Not Want Our Leader To Get Injured  
CG: OKAY, GOD!  
CG: I'LL BE SURE NOT TO GET STABBED BY A HUMAN, THANKS FOR THE WARNING.  
GA: The Humans Are Infecting You Already With Their Idiotic Sarcasm  
CG: WHATEVER, MOM!!!  
GA: Why Are You Calling Me Mom  
GA: Who Is Mom  
CG: OH. I FORGOT YOU DIDN'T ENGORGE YOURSELF ON HUMAN ENTERTAINMENT LIKE THE REST OF US.  
CG: (I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WEIRD TO JADE'S COUSIN, JEGUS.)  
CG: A MOM IS A HUMAN LUSUS, KIND OF. EXCEPT THEY CARE FOR THEIR WRIGGLERS EMOTIONALLY AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY.  
CG: AND ESTABLISH A MEANINGFUL BOND SIMILAR TO A COMBINATION OF PALE AND ASHEN RELATIONSHIP--A CONCILIATORY RELATIONSHIP. IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE FASCINATING.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Well Thank You  
CG: WHAT.  
GA: I Am Flattered That You Think Of Me As A Guardian-Like Presence Who Cares For You Emotionally And Has A Meaningful Bond With You  
GA: I Didnt Know You Saw Me As Both A Pale And Ashen Figure In Your Life  
GA: That Makes Me Feel Very Special  
GA: Im A Bit Flustered Actually  
CG: OH, SHIT DAMMIT.  
CG: THAT DID MAKE IT SEEM LIKE A COMPLIMENT.  
CG: ALL RIGHT, FINE, IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, I PROMISE TO BE CAREFUL AROUND THE HUMAN'S RELATIVES.  
GA: Thank You Karkat  
CG: SEE YOU LATER.  
GA: Wait  
GA: I Need To Ask You Something Else  
CG: FUCK, WHAT IS IT?!  
GA: I Would Like You To Open A Memo In Order For Us To Discuss Our New Human Friends  
GA: I Need To Know If The Other Humans Have Similar Dispositions To My Human  
CG: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NEED TO DO THAT.  
GA: I Fear My Conversation Did Not Go As Well As I Originally Hoped  
GA: It Would Help To Learn More  
GA: Besides We Should Compare Notes  
CG: UGH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.  
CG: WHY CAN'T YOU OPEN IT, THOUGH??  
GA: Because  
GA: You Are Our Leader Karkat  
GA: You Are The One With The Memos  
GA: Its You  
CG: GOD, FINE, I'LL OPEN A MEMO.  
CG: BUT I CAN'T PROMISE ANYONE WILL TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.  
CG: I REALLY HATE THE WAY OUR MEMOS USED TO GO!  
GA: It Will Not Go That Way This Time  
GA: We Have All Grown And Matured  
GA: Well  
GA: Most Of Us  
CG: AGREED.  
CG: I'LL OPEN IT NOW, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT SURE EVERYONE HAS ACTUALLY DONE WHAT THEY WERE ASSIGNED TO DO.  
CG: GROSS INSUBORDINATION RUNS RAMPANT IN THESE PARTS, I TELL YOU.  
GA: Im Fully Aware  
GA: All Right Talk To You Soon Then  
CG: GREAT. TALK TO YOU SOON.  
GA: Goodbye For Now  
grimAuxilitrix [GA] ceased pestering cardioGenetecist [CG] at 8:07 AM

cardioGenetecist [CG] opened OFFICIAL PROGRESS LOG MEMO NUMBER ONE at 8:09 AM  
CG: ATTENTION, EVERYONE. THIS IS YOUR LEADER SPEAKING.  
CG: EVERYONE'S ALREADY PROBABLY MESSAGED THEIR RESPECTIVE HUMAN.  
CG: IF YOU HAVEN'T, GET ON THAT.  
CG: BECAUSE RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW IS WHEN WE'RE DISCUSSING OUR VARYING LEVELS OF SUCCESS, SO GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR.  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to Memo at 8:11 AM  
GA: Im Very Happy You Decided To Open This Memo Karkat  
GA: I Have A Lot To Talk About  
CG: WHAT A SURPRISE!  
CG: JUST KIDDING, KANAYA. THAT WAS A JOKE.  
GA: I Know Karkat  
GA: I Thought It Was Funny  
GA: Considering I Was The One To Ask You To Open This Memo In The First Place It Was Expected For Me To Comment So Your Surprise Is Sarcastic And For Humorous Effect  
CG: ...I SEE WE'RE OFF TO A WONDERFUL START, AS USUAL.  
CG: JUST SO I KNOW, DOES ANYONE ELSE INTEND TO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IN THIS MEMO, OR IS IT GOING TO DESCEND INTO FUCKING IDIOCY AND NONSENSE AS USUAL?  
arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to Memo at 8:15 AM  
AG: Of course it's going to descend into fucking idiocy, Karkat!  
AG: You're the one who cre8ed the memo! Remem8er?  
CG: VRISKA, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THAT'S ACTUALLY FUCKING RELATED TO THE TASK AT HAND, SAY IT.  
CG: BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T MESSAGED YOUR HUMAN YET, GTFO.  
CG: "REMEM8ER" THAT I AM PREPARED TO BLOCK YOU *SO* HARD.  
gallowsCallibrator [GC] responded to Memo at 8:17 AM  
GC: H333Y K4RK4T! N1C3 M3MO YOU GOT H3R3! >:]  
CG: OH, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY. LOOK WHO IT IS.  
CG: HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED AT THE PESTERCHUM I SENT YOU YET, TEREZI?  
CG: I EVEN GAVE YOU THE *BEST* HUMAN TO TALK TO.  
GC: OH, 1'M SUUUR3 YOU D1D.  
GC: ((HUM4N S4RC4SM, BLUH!!))  
GC: Y3S, 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT, 1 D1D M3SS4G3 H1M. H3 1SN'T UP Y3T.  
GC: BUT MY R34SON FOR B31NG H3R3 1S, 1 N33D3D TO 4SK YOU 4 S1MPL3 QU3ST1ON.  
CG: AND WHAT'S THAT.  
GC: WHY TH3 H3LL D1D YOU D3C1D3 TO OP3N TH1S M3MO 4T 8 1N TH3 MORN1NG??  
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to Memo at 8:19 AM  
TM: yeah, karkat. nobody'2 awake and onliine riight now.  
TM: only rea2on II'M here'2 becau2e you woke me up wiith a priivate text.  
CG: *YOU* ALL ARE LOSERS FOR NOT GETTING UP EARLIER. I'VE BEEN UP A WHOLE TWO HOURS AT THIS POINT. AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'VE GOTTEN COUNTLESS THINGS DONE!  
AG: God, you're SUCH a looooooooser!  
TM: ok that i2 a pretty iidiiotiic thiing to 2ay, dude.  
GA: I Agree With Karkat  
AG: Of course you do.  
GA: And What Exactly Is That Supposed To Mean Vriska  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to Memo at 8:23 AM  
CC: Guys!! Clam down, PL-EAS-E! Fighting is never shellpful!  
GC: NO F3F3R1 1 TH1NK W3 SHOULD L3T TH3M S3TTL3 TH1S  
GC: 1N TH3 N4M3 OF JUST1C3, OF COURS3  
CG: NOT ON MY MEMO!!  
GC: COM3 ON K4KK4R, B3 4 SPORT! >:[  
GC: L3T'S CH4NT, GUYS!! H3 C4N'T F1GHT 4LL OF US!  
GC: F1GHT! F1GHT! F1GHT!  
CG: OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!  
GC: >:?  
AG: That can 8e arranged. ;;;;D  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned arachnidsGrip [AG] from responding to Memo at 8:26 AM  
CG: THERE, I'VE REMOVED THE SOURCE OF ALL THE STRIFE.  
CG: NOW ARE WE READY TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL AND MEANINGFUL NOTE-EXCHANGING CONVERSATION?  
GC: BOOOOOOO!! D:<  
CG: ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, TOO.  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from responding to Memo at 8:28 AM  
CC: Karkat!!  
CG: SHE ADMITTED HER HUMAN HADN'T EVEN RESPONDED YET, ANYWAY. THAT WAS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED!  
CC: 38(  
CG: OH, TAKE YOUR STUPID EMOJIS AND OUT OF HERE, FISH PRINCESS, UNLESS YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.  
TM: well...  
CG: SOMETHING RELATED TO THE TOPIC AT HAND!!!  
CC: W--ELL, I messaged Jade. She was perfectly agreeable!  
CC: What did you think of YOUR human, Sollux?  
TM: my human ha2n't re2ponded yet, eiither, actually.  
TM: miine ii2 the 2ame a2 terezii'2.  
CG: OH, GLUB DAMN IT.  
CG: ...WELL, SHIT.  
CC: The fish cursing alternative is GR---EAT, don't you think, Karkat?  
arachnidsGrip [AG] unbanned themselves from responding to Memo at 8:32 AM  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha!  
CG: NO.  
caardioGenetecist [CG] banned arachnidsGrip [AG] from responding to Memo at 8:32 AM  
GA: Thank You Karkat  
GA: Now If You All Dont Mind I Would Like To Get Down To The Official Business  
CG: OH, THANK JEGUS.  
GA: My Human Was In A Hurry And Easily Annoyed  
GA: I Was Wondering If Anyone Wanted To Trade Humans Or At Least Share An Additional Human With Me  
GA: Conversing With Mine Was Draining To Say In The Least  
CG: EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO TAKE A STEP BACK FOR A MOMENT. I AM FUCKING REELING WITH DISBELIEF AND SHOCK RIGHT NOW. THAT THUD YOU ALL PROBABLY HEARD WAS MY JAW HITTING THE DAMN FLOOR.  
CG: DID YOU REALLY HAVE ME OPEN THIS STUPID FUCKING MEMO JUST SO YOU COULD TRADE HUMANS? REALLY??  
GA: Is That A Problem  
CG: FUCKING HELL! YEAH!! IT IS!!!  
CG: DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY WANT TO COMPARE NOTES HERE?  
CG: ANYONE """AWAKE""", I GUESS I SHOULD SAY??  
CG: OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD CONCEIVABLY TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY ARE KANAYA AND EQUIUS.  
CG: *MAYBE* ARADIA, IS SHE'S NOT OFF DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT IN THE RUINS AS USUAL.  
TM: hey leave aradiia out of thii2 maybe 2he's two bu2y two deal wiith your memos  
CG: BUSY DOING WHAT? CONVERSING WITH SPIRITS OR SOME SHIT?  
apocalpyseArisen [AA] responded to Memo at 8:37 AM  
AA: maybe  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?  
CG: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS GREAT. ARADIA, DID YOU MESSAGE YOUR HUMAN?  
AA: i did  
CG: ... AND? HOW DID IT GO?  
AA: it went remarkably well, f0r what it's w0rth. she was very p0lite and we talked ab0ut a great many things  
CG: OH.  
CG: WHAT THINGS DID YOU TALK ABOUT? CARE TO SHARE?  
AA: n0  
apocalypseArisen [AA] banned themselves from responding to Memo at 8:40 AM  
CG: AAAND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.  
CG: I HONESTLY MIGHT CLOSE THIS MEMO NOW, UNLESS SOMEBODY WANTS TO HELP KANAYA OUT REAL QUICK, I GUESS.  
CG: SINCE SHE'S SO BOUND AND DETERMINED TO TALK TO TWO HUMANS INSTEAD OF HER ONE, WHICH I TOTALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL.  
GA: He Wanted To Talk About Nicholas Cage  
TA: oh 2hiit ii'm 2o 2orry kanaya  
TA: ii under2tand your ii22ue wiith hiim now  
TA: we're all 2orry to have doubted you  
GA: I Appreciate That  
apocalypseArisen [AA] unbanned themselves from responding to Memo at 8:43 AM  
AA: kanaya if y0u want a different human messaging partner pm me  
AA: mine was very intelligent, y0u w0uld like her  
GA: Thank You I Will  
apocalypseArisen [AA] banned themselves from responding to Memo at 8:44 AM  
CG: GREAT, IS EVERYTHING SETTLED? CAN I CLOSE THIS GODFORSAKEN HELLHOLE OF NONSENSE NOW?  
terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to Memo at 8:45 AM  
TC: yO, wHaT Is MoTHerFuCkiN Up iN ThIS jOiNT?  
CG: OH MY GOD. GAMZEE.  
CG: I PITY YOU AND ENVY YOU AT THE SAME TIME.  
TC: HehEHe, wHaT?  
CG: HAVE YOU MESSAGED YOUR HUMAN YET?  
TC: oH, YeAH, bRoTHeR.  
TC: We HaD An InsAaaAaAaAaane rAp-OfF lAsT niGHt.  
TC: tHe BesT In ThE MulTiVeRSe bRO!  
CG: WAIT, YOU MANAGED TO TALK TO YOUR HUMAN? I THOUGHT I ASSIGNED YOU THE SAME ONE AS TEREZI AND SOLLUX.  
TC: YeAh, We wErE bOTh Up lASt NiGHt, rEaL LaTE.  
TC: aT ThE SaME TiMe, lIKe It wAs A MotHeRFucKiN MiRaClE, yA KnOw??  
TC: So I MesSaGeD HiM, aND hE ThOuGhT i WaS a TrOlL, HaHAha.  
TC: LiKe, HoWd He KnOw???  
TC: iM tElLiNg YoU. MiRaClEs.  
TC: AnD wE rApPed SoMe SiCK FiReS.  
TC: tHeN I PasSEd OuT fRoM ThE SlIMe, hAHAhaHahA!  
TC: AlL iN AlL a PrEtTy MoTHeRFuCkIn GrEaT ExpERiEnCe, BroTHeR.  
CG: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.  
CG: YOU MESSAGED THE HUMAN, HE THOUGHT YOU WERE A TROLL, AND YOU PROCEEDED TO HAVE A RAP-OFF.  
TC: pReTtY MuCh bRo.  
CG: THAT IS THE CLOSEST YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY GET TO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO.  
CG: IF MY INCREDIBLY LOW EXPECTATIONS WERE ON THE GROUND, YOU'VE JUST SUCCESSFULLY GOTTEN DOWN AND AND DUG YOURSELF INTO THE FUCKING DIRT. YOU'RE UNDERGROUND. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.  
TC: oH, WhOoPs.  
TC: hOnK.  
gallowsCallibrator [GC] unbanned herself from responding to Memo at 8:53 AM  
GC: DON'T L1ST3N TO H1M, G4MZ33! 1'M SUR3 YOU D1D 4 GR34T JOB!  
TC: wElL mOthErFuCK, tHaNks SiSTer.<  
GC: DON'T M2NT1ON 1T >;]  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from responding to Memo at 8:54 AM  
CG: IS EVERYONE QUITE FINISHED??  
CG: CAN I ***PLEASE*** CLOSE THIS MEMO NOW?  
CG: MY GOD, THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE IS IF SOMEBODY'S FUTURE SELF CAME INTRUDING.  
CG: AND NO, THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION!!  
caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to Memo at 8:56 AM  
CA: wwell that wwas entertaining to wwatch  
CC: ---ERIDAN!! When did you get here??  
CG: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO GHOSTS ALLOWED. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.  
CA: you're about to close it anywways, aren't you  
CA: theres no reason wwhatsoevver for bannin me noww  
CG: THAT'S ENTIRELY BESIDE THE FUCKING POINT. OUT YOU GO.  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned caligulousAquarium [CA] from responding to Memo at 9:00 AM  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] unbanned themselves from responding to Memo at 9:01 AM  
GC: S33, TH1S 1S 3MB4RR4SS1NG TO W4TCH.  
GC: K4RK4T, YOU'RE L1T3R4LLY JUST SP3W1NG 4ND R4NT1NG 4BOUT HOW 4NNOY1NG TH1S 1NS4N1TY 1S, WH3N 1N R34L1TY, YOU'R3 3NJOY1NG 1T.  
GC: 1T'S B33N Y34RS S1NC3 W3'V3 DON3 4 PROP3R M3MO, W1TH YOU 4BL3 TO B4N TROLLS 4ND H4V3 TH3M UNB4N TH3MS3LV3S  
GC: YOU'RE COMPL41N1NG, BUT NOT 4CTU4LLY 3ND1NG TH3 M3MO L1K3 YOU CONST4NTLY R31T3R4T3 TH4T YOU W1LL!  
GC: B3C4US3 1T'S FUCK1NG H1L4R1OUS 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 1T!!! >:D  
CG: I WILL ADMIT TO NONE OF THIS BULLSHIT.  
CG: WHO COULD'VE MISSED THIS INSANITY??  
arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to Memo at 9:05  
AC: :33 < *raises paw hesitantly, smiling shyly with a soft purr*  
CG: OH, GOD.  
CC: Though I can't pretend to have missed the FIG) (TING... these memos were always PR--ETTY FUN, in my opinion!  
arachnidsGrip [AG] unbanned themselves from responding to Memo at 9:08 AM  
AG: Yeah, Karkat!!!!!!!!  
AG: Remem8er that one time when you and Terezi fought over a single key8oard? That was adora8le!  
CC: Y---EA) (! That was SUP---ER CUT----E! 38D  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned arachnidsGrip [AG] from responding to Memo at 9:09  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned cuttlefishCuller [CC] from responding to Memo at 9:09  
TM: iif you're 2o done wiith iit, ju2t kiill the memo, karkat.  
TM: 2he'2 right, what are you waiitiing for?  
CG: FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. I WILL.  
GC: >:O  
CG: BUT I'M OPENING ANOTHER ONE UP TONIGHT TO DISCUSS OUR SUCCESSES WITH HUMAN COMMUNICATION.  
CG: AND THERE'S NO GETTING OUT OF IT, DUMBASSES, SO BE READY TONIGHT AROUND SEVEN.  
GC: TH3R3 1T 1S!! <3  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned gallowsCalibrator [GC] from responding to Memo at 9:12 AM  
CG: LORD, I BEG FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH.  
TM: now even YOU have two know you're beiing overly dramatiic.  
cardioGenetecist [CG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to Memo at 9:13 AM  
CG: WOW, NOW IT'S QUIET! I WONDER WHY???  
GA: Because You Banned Everyone Else Karkat  
CG: I KNOW, I KNOW, IT WAS ANOTHER... YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND.  
GA: Well Thats Not Entirely True  
GA: Gamzee Is Still Here As Well  
TC: HoNK.  
CG: ALL RIGHT, KANAYA. THANKS.  
CG: I THINK NOW IT'S OFFICIALLY TIME TO PUT THE GUN TO THIS BLINDFOLDED MEMO'S HEAD AND PULL THE TRIGGER.  
CG: SEVEN PM. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.  
CG: LEADER, OUT.  
cardioGenetecist [CG] closed OFFICIAL PROGRESS REPORT MEMO NUMBER ONE at 9:16 AM

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:13 AM  
AG: Hey!  
EB: siiiigh. another troll??  
AG: No, silly! Check the top of the p8ge!  
EB: oh. whoops.  
EB: well, hi, then!  
AG: How's it going? My name's Casey!  
EB: wow, really? that's hilarious!  
EB: i mean, not your name.  
EB: it just made me think of a character from con air is all.  
AG: ::::O  
AG: YOU like Con Air????????  
AG: That movie's the exact REASON I  
AG: I MEAN, I LOVE that movie!!!!!!!! It's GR8!  
EB: really???  
EB: double wow!! so do i!  
EB: my name's john.  
AG: Cool!  
AG: I got your pesterchum handle from a mutual friend, and I thought we might have some stuff in common.  
AG: Apparently I was COMPLETELY RIGHT!  
EB: yeah you were!  
EB: we should totally talk later. i'm kinda busy at the moment.  
EB: me and my friend are waiting for a VAMPIRE to show up so we can catch him!  
AG: Sounds exciting!!!!!!!! Tell me what happened after you're done!  
EB: will do!  
EB: i'll see you later, casey!  
AG: No pro8lem! See you l8r, John! I can't w8! ::::D  
EB: haha. ::::)  
EB: bye!  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering arachindsGrip [AG] at 9:23 AM

Vriska grinned and cracked her knuckles. One dumb, innocent boy down, one to go.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling cardioGenetecist [CG] at 9:24 AM  
AG: Hey, Karkat.  
AG: Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat.  
AG: I know you're online, 8ro! Answer me!  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME.  
AG: Ah, there you are! ::::D  
AG: I want to know some things a8out your human.  
AG: Is it true that you're planning to 8ring her to our ship today?  
CG: HOW THE FUCK!!!  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?  
AG: 8USTED!!!!!!!! >8888D  
AG: You're totes gonna do it, aren't you????????  
AG: You lovestruck dwee8, it's almost cute!  
CG: STFU. I AM GONNA DO NO SUCH THING.  
CG: WHY WOULD I BRING HER SOMEWHERE SHE'D BE POTENTIALLY IN DANGER?  
AG: Danger????????  
CG: FROM THE LIKES OF YOU AND ERIDAN!  
AG: Pshhhhhhhh!  
AG: Why would we hurt her?  
AG: I have no reason to h8 your human red crush!  
CG: BUT YOU HAVE REASON TO HATE HUMANS IN GENERAL.  
CG: YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, BITCH, YOU'D ATTACK HER IF SHE SET FOOT IN OUR CAMP.  
AG: Please. Like you'd 8e a8le to tell what I'd do at any given situ8ion.  
AG: I'm a total wild card, 888y!  
AG: Didn't you say she mentioned she liked mechanics? Why wouldn't you 8ring her here to see the ship?  
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT BECAUSE YOU AND ERIDAN ARE THERE.  
CG: AND AGAIN.  
CG: I TRUST NEITHER OF YOU WITH MY HUMAN FRIEND.  
AG: Human "friend"???????? Don't make me laugh!  
AG: Everyone knows you're flushed for the first alien you came across!  
CG: IF YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGE MY MIND YOU'RE DOING A PRETTY AWFUL JOB OF IT, VRISKA.  
AG: Look. Karkat.  
AG: You've got a good reason to 8ring your alien m8sprit to camp.  
AG: I've got a good reason to keep my hands to myself.  
AG: You think I've forgotten what happened with the FIRST aliens who tried to come to our camp?  
AG: Fuck, I'm STILL em8arassed a8out that!  
CG: WE WERE ALL YOUNGER THEN, VRISKA.  
AG: Well...  
AG: Anyways, that's not the point, dummy!  
AG: The POINT is you can trust me not to do anything cr8zy.  
AG: And I have proof, too! I had a convers8ion with my human JUST NOW, and it went GR8!  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: COPY ME THE CONVERSATION. NOW.  
AG: Ok! ::::)  
AG: conversationwithaverygr8guy.png  
CG: HUH.  
CG: IT SEEMS YOU HANDLED THAT EXCHANGE WITH GRACE.  
CG: HOW THE EVERLIVING FUCK?  
AG: Don't act so surprised! I can 8e charming when I want to!  
CG: OKAY, OKAY.  
CG: GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TYPING THIS.  
CG: BUT. **IF** I DECIDE TO BRING JADE TO THE CAMP...  
CG: AND THAT IS A VERY BIG **IF**...  
CG: I'M TRUSTING YOU TO KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. OKAY?  
AG: You won't regret it, 8oss! 8888D  
CG: UGH. I'M HEADING OUT NOW.  
CG: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID, VRISKA.  
CG: ...AND DON'T "W8" UP.  
AG: <33333333  
cardioGenetecist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] at 9:34 AM

=====>

"What a lousy, bitchy--"

"Dude! Shh! He's gonna hear you!"

Dave didn't even turn his head from his binoculars. "I don't care."

They were crouched in the bushes, watching the two sit on the steps and talk. They were just far enough that the conversation was a bit muffled, but close enough to hear loud and clear Jade's laughter whenever she happened to burst out laughing. Whenever that happened, John had noticed his friend stiffen just a bit, and start muttering to himself.

John understood, of course...

He was furious, too, at the thought of Jade being kidnapped by a vampire who she'd become friends with!

Dave hadn't taken his face away from the binoculars for about five minutes. He also hadn't even taken off his shades before looking through them, so he looked fairly comical, glaring with the binoculars pressed up against his lenses.

"Don't you _ever_ take off those shades?"

"No."

He continued glaring. Jade laughed again, and elbowed Edward, nearly knocking him off the steps. John stifled a chuckle at that, and turned to look at his friend. To his chagrin, Dave's face had grown even more stoic, if that was possible. Maybe it was time to take action.

"Do we have a plan of attack?" John whispered. "As good as it is to collect information, we should probably do more than just watch. We can't even hear what they're talking about!"

"It doesn't matter."

Pause.

"This bush is also kinda uncomfortable, Dave." John mumbled, shifting in his awkward crouching position. "I have holy water in this water bottle, we can just jump out and _splash_ him."

"That's a good idea. Go do it. I'll tape it with my phone from here." He still didn't look away.

"Great!" John chirped. "Let's do it!"

Without thinking, he jumped out of the bushes. Instantly, two pairs of eyes were trained on him.

"What the fuck were you doing in there." Edward asked dryly.

"Hi, John! What's going on?" Jade chirped at the same moment. "Is Dave in there, too? Hey, Dave!"

Dave didn't respond. The binocular lenses poked out of the leaves of the bushes.

"Dave, I can see you in there!" Jade called again.

"He's doing an experiment!" John said quickly. "He can't make any noise!"

"What? What's he doing?"

"He's--" _think fast, John, think fast_ \--"birdwatching."

"Birdwatching." Edward said sarcastically.

"Why not?" John demanded. "Birds are awesome!"

"Yeah, Edward, birds are great!" Jade smiled. "But I think there are probably more up in those trees over there than on the porch, Dave."

Slowly, the binoculars shifted. John could almost feel the anger radiating out of the bushes, and shot them an apologetic look as soon as the targets turned away. The bushes flipped him off in return.

Jade turned back to Edward. "So, what were you saying about having something to tell me?"

"I--uh--" Edward glanced tensely at John-- "It was nothing. I'll tell you later."

John raised an eyebrow. "Am I intruding?"

"No, of course not!" Jade said crossly. "Come on, you were really serious about it, Ka--Edward!"

John didn't miss the slip-up, and caught Edward's warning expression as it flickered on his face. The guy's skin _was_ a bit gray, he decided. 

Remembering what he was here to do, he pulled out his water bottle and unscrewed it. Glancing around surreptitiously, he pretended to trip--"Whoops!"--and spilled the water all over--

Did _not_ spill the water all over Edward. He'd jumped out of the way --" _Shit!_ "--like a cat, up onto the porch, and Jade had tripped backwards to avoid it as well.

"Jeez, John!" Jade scolded, helping John up from the puddle he was now sitting in. "You gotta be more careful than that!"

Edward just glared hard at John. In a flash, he realized that the vampire somehow _knew_ what John was doing.

And wasn't having any of his bullshit.

_Oh, fuck._

"Sorry, guys. I just--nevermind." he mumbled shamefully, heading inside and pulling out his phone.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:44  
EB: DUDE!! did you SEE that????  
TG: yup i sure fuckin did  
TG: hes onto us for sure  
EB: HE TOTALLY IS!!!  
EB: we're gonna have to bring out the BIG GUNS to get him.  
TG: the big guns what  
EB: MIRRORS, dave!  
EB: jeeeeeeeez!!  
TG: oh yeah your weird obsession with the mirrors thing  
TG: well whatever you do just hurry  
TG: the douches trying to convince jade to come into the woods with him and i think we both know what that means  
EB: oh no!!!  
EB: ok, i'll get the mirrors!  
EB: if we can tape him not having a reflection, that will be it!  
TG: thats right  
TG: the jig will be up and jade will be mine  
EB: haha, what?  
TG: ours  
TG: jade will be ours  
TG: again i mean  
TG: shell be safe and sound  
TG: fuckin locked up in the safety house like a kids overprotective parents who dont let him out to go to the damn park with the other kids  
TG: so she grows up all alone and antisocial and unable to have a conversation with another human being  
TG: thats how safe shes gonna be  
TG: you feel me dude  
EB: uh, yeah! totally!  
EB: (man, so weird.)   
TG: hey screw you  
EB: hahaha! just kidding.  
TG: get the fuckin mirrors already john im just sittin in this bush with these dumb ass binoculars  
TG: its up to you now dude  
TG: youre the hero  
TG: its you  
EB: ok!! let's do this!  
TG: by which i mean its still totally me thats the hero here  
TG: im just giving you a chance to be in the spotlight for once  
TG: what can i say im a generous guy  
EB: boooooooo!  
EB: haha.   
EB: see you, dude!   
TG: later  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG] at 1:01

=====>

"The woods? Why?"

She tilted her head in confusion, blinking through her wire-green spectacles. Karkat swallowed hard.

"I just want to show you something is all. I've got something important to talk to you about, and your cousin isn't being... I mean, they were eavesdropping, dammit!"

"Yeah, he does that." she giggled. "It's funny that he's gotten Dave to join in this time, though. I knew those two would be great friends from the moment we met them! They just _look_ right together, you know?"

"Wow, that is a really idealistic and unintelligent way to look at relationships."

"Yeah, probably." she agreed amicably. "But don't change the subject. We can always go somewhere else to have a nice talk. And you can always take off that hoodie!" Jade exclaimed, jumping for him.

Karkat sidestepped her quickly and pulled the hood tighter over his head. "Fucking hell! Don't _do_ that!!"

"Uh, sorry."

He groaned. "Look, just-- your shift starts in an hour, right? That should be enough time to get there and back."

"To get where?"

"To a certain place in the woods." He sighed and decided to be honest, at least partially. "I have a machine that needs fixing, and I want somebody to look at it with me."

"But I'm not all that great with machines, it's more of a hobby thing with me." she argued. "You should get somebody better. Like my brother! He's like a total genius with machines!"

"I need somebody I can trust." he growled, rubbing his temples to avoid eye contact.

"Awww! You're blushing!"

"I am not!!" he screeched, blushing.

"You totally aaaare!" she squealed. "Jeez, Karkat! You are a _total_ tsundere!"

"What?? No, I'm totally not!" Karkat protested. After a pause, he added, "If anything I'd be a _hinedere_." 

"Oh my god, you're such a nerd." She covered her face with her hands and laughed like a hyena.

"Are you coming or not?" 

He stood up and offered her his hand.

After a moment, Jade smiled and took it.

"Yeah, let's go. Into the woods! You sexual predator." she teased.

Karkat began spluttering with indignation yet again, but was interrupted when he ran into someone turning the corner.

It was another human girl, a blonde one. She was holding a book, and raised an eyebrow at them.

"And where are you two scampering off to?"

"The--oomph!"

"Nowhere." he said firmly, holding a hand over Jade's mouth. "We're going for a walk, and we'll be back soon."

"Bluh!" Jade yanked Karkat's hand off her mouth and shot him a dirty look. "Yeah, I guess we're going for a walk and we'll be back soon. See ya, Rose!"

"I guess I'll see you." Rose said slowly as the two walked off.

John came running out onto the lawn. "Are they gone? Where did they--"

Dave stepped out of the bushes, scowling. "He dragged her off somewhere."

"They're going for a walk." Rose said, coming around the corner.

"Aw, dammit! I have the mirrors right here and everything!" John protested.

"We'll just wait for them to get back to do your thing, I guess." Dave suggested, sitting down on the porch. "He just wanted to talk to her. It's not like he can do anything on a walk."

"They were headed into the woods," Rose mentioned, sitting down on the lawn with her knitting. "What were you two intending to do?"

"Just shove these mirrors at him and see if he had a reflection," her brother explained. "But I guess we can just wait for them to come back. They were just going for a quick walk, right? Not dangerous?"

"Jade wouldn't let herself be lured somewhere dangerous," John scoffed. "She's not an idiot."

"But she trusts the douche." Dave argued. "She's a teenage girl. She can have lapses of good judgement, can't she?"

An uneasy silence settled over the group. Rose knitted, and Dave and John sat without talking.

=====>

"So, Jade. Now that we've gotten to know each other better. I think there's something I need to tell you."

They were sitting in the clearing right ahead of the crashed ship. Jade looked at him expectantly.

"You can tell me anything, Karkat!" she chirped.

He exhaled deeply. "Ohhh-kay. Okay. But you have to promise not to . . . freak out, all right?"

"Freak out?" she asked, puzzled.

Without an further ado, he unzipped his jacket and pulled down the hood.

. . .

"What is it?"

Groaning, Karkat lifted his hand and smoothed down his unruly black hair, revealing--

"OH HOLY SHIT!" Jade shrieked, tripping on her long skirt and falling backwards.

"Jade!! Fuck, Jade, are you okay??"

"What the hell?" she demanded, the initial shock quickly wearing off. "Why do you have _horns_??"

"I'm an alien, the broken machine is our crashed spaceship, and I was hoping you could help be an ambassador to the humans for us." he said as quickly as he possibly could.

Jade's eyes were wide and her mouth was hanging wide open. She closed it.

"An. . . ambassador? For you? Aliens? _What_?"

"Actually," a voice came from the bushes, "A few of us were thinking you could be a _hostage_ instead."

A smirking troll with long, uniquely curved horns, glasses, and long, messy black hair stepped out of the bushes, holding a rope and grinning. A few others followed behind her, some smiling, others a bit exasperated, but determined.

"Guys! What's-- Oh, no. Oh, _fuck_ no. I did _not just fall for your stupid lies and bring Jade to camp just to you could kidnap her!"_

__

"Hmm." Vriska stopped and pretended to think. "Pretty sure you did!"

__

"No. You are _not_ going to hurt her, you piece of shit. Pieces of shit!" he yelled at the few behind her.

__

"Look, Kar, it's the only way--"

__

"The only way???" he hissed. "Sollux, I thought you of all people wouldn't fall for her bullshit! Of course there's another way! There's always another way!"

__

"Says the person who got us crashed in the first place."

__

Karkat, who had just turned back to check on Jade (who was still shell-shocked with her back against the tree) whirled back around on him, nostrils flaring. 

__

"I DID _NOT_ GET US CRASHED! THAT WAS A SYSTEMS FAILURE THAT NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN. YOU CANNOT PIN THAT ON ME, SOLLUX, YOU KNOW THAT!"

__

"What's the human doing?" one of the aliens in the back asked.

__

Karkat turned back to Jade. She had whipped out her phone and was typing for all she was worth.

__

"GRAB THAT GIRL!" Vriska shrieked, and leapt forward, snatching the phone out of her hands and tossing it to the side. Karkat caught it, and ran forward to defend, still shouting.

__

=====>

__

"So, how long's a walk supposed to take again?" John asked nervously.

__

Dave, who was playing temple run on his phone, shrugged. "It's her own business, isn't it?"

__

"That's. . . not how you felt about it a few minutes ago?" he responded, unsure.

__

"Well, Jade hadn't run off into the woods with a guy we clearly know is dangerous a few minutes ago, either." Dave retorted.

__

Rose stopped knitting. "What are you saying." she asked in a flat, unamused tone.

__

"I'm just saying. . ."

__

"That we should have warned her? Because there wasn't anything to warn her about, and you know that." she hissed. "You're being overprotective and inconsiderate."

__

"Guys, let's not fight!" John cut in. "Seriously, when she gets back--"

__

"When she gets back, why don't you _tell_ her that you think he's dangerous in some way instead of just spying on him from some bushes like a creep?" she suggested angrily.

__

"Okay, okay, we will, this was probably out of line anyway. . ." "Uh, guys?" Dave said slowly, staring at his phone.

__

"Yes, you entirely were! You have no room to blame her for anything if you didn't even tell her your suspicions!"

__

"You're right, Rose! Jeez! I said you're right!"

__

"GUYS!"

__

They both turned to him. "What??"

__

"It's Jade."

__

He held up his phone.

__

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 1:14  
GG: oh god oh god oH GOD OH GOD!!!!  
GG: DAVE DAVE PLEASE COME HELP ME  
GG: I'M IN THE WOODS OFF THE TRAIL!  
GG: THE ONE WE WENT DOWN FOR THE PICNIC??  
GG: YOU WERE RIGHT YOU WERE RIGHT JUST COME HELP ME PLEASE!!!  
GG: THEY'RE ALIDFPIYASDFNKFSDS  
gardenGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum!

"Oh my god." Rose was up in an instant. "We need to get there as quickly as possible."

__

"Roxy has a golf cart, right?" John's expression was panicked.

__

"It's in the shed."

__

Without another word, the three sprinted off.

__


	7. Years in the Past (But Not Many). . .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reader catches a glimpse of the near past, of characters whom identities they probably have no clue about.
> 
>  
> 
> ;)

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgathasTerror [GT]  
TG: heyy dude  
TG: uh  
TG: im not rlly sure what to say here  
TG: but...  
TG: i heard bout u and TT  
GT: I appreciate this really I do, but now really isn't the time I'd like to talk about it.  
GT: I hope you understand.  
TG: i get it i get it  
TG: sorry i wasnt tryin 2 bug or anything  
TG: im just  
TG: yeah  
GT: It's all right! I know what you're doing and I appreciate it!!  
TG: ok uh  
TG: awk  
TG: i guess we can talk later if u want  
TG: if ur like  
TG: ready then i guess  
GT: Maybe. I don't know.  
GT: There are some things I'm very ashamed of and might want to keep to myself for a long time!!  
TG: readin ya loud and clear  
TG: u message ME if u wanna talk  
TG: kay?  
GT: Roger.  
GT: I mean I would talk except I know I'd just go off on tangents and complain unfairly about TT and that's not cool at all and I wouldn't want to subject you to being in the middle of that!! You understand that right??  
TG: rite rite fine  
TG: love ya dude  
TG: see ya  
GT: Phew.  
GT: Ok goodbye. Thank you again.  
TG: <3  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgathasTerror [GT]  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timeusTestified [TT]  
TG: hi  
TG: u up for talkin  
TT: No. I'm not.  
TG: lol thats what i thought  
TG: id say thx 4 the honesty but thats p much a given w/ u  
TG: takl 2 u latwer then  
TT: All right.  
TG: bye douchebag  
TG: ...  
TG: douecbahg?  
TT: I'm sorry. I can't banter right now.  
TG: sorrry  
TT: Don't be.  
TG: bye  
TG: ...u  
TT: Bye, you, too.  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timeusTestified [TT]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  
TG: honey u gots 2 go for it as soon as possible  
GG: Oh, hello to you too! Thanks for the pleasantries!  
GG: NO!! What are you talking about??  
TG: u know what im talkin bout  
GG: I'm going to assume you're joking.  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo! There's my laughter.  
GG: Now we can drop this immediately and go back to pretending to be decent people who joke in a tasteful manner.  
GG: I feel enough like a piece of dirt for coming between them anyways.  
TG: u did NOT coem between them  
TG: stop that nonsense at ONCE  
TG: bby look this was a long time coming and we ALLLLL knew it ok  
TG: they were a tiem bbomb just wAITING to exploed  
GG: ...Are you drunk?  
TG: drinkin present tense  
TG: grammar, hunney ;3  
GG: Why?? This is a really serious and terrible occasion!  
TG: exactly so why not celebreae with boooooze  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: clink ur glass against mine sweetie  
TG: //le cLINK  
TG: sho fanceh  
GG: No, NOT "sho fanceh"!!! Very very UN fancy!!!,p>  
GG: Our whole friendship group could be compromised by this breakup, TG!!  
GG: We'll all be social outcasts again.  
GG: And they'll never make up.  
GG: They'll hate each other and us forever.  
GG: Especially GT, and especially me!!  
GG: Are you still there??  
TG: lol sorryy i juts dozed oss for a minuite there  
TG: HAH lookat dem typoos  
TG: ***** ^fxied em  
TG: waht were we twtalkin abotu again???  
GG: Hmm, let me see if I can sum it up for you...  
GG: GT and TT just broke up and are refusing to talk to one another.  
GG: You're drinking like a sailor.  
GG: And I'm having a mental breakdown. Alone.  
GG: Because my best, dearest friend is DRUNK OUT OF HER MIND!!!!!  
TG: awwww <33  
TG: im ur best drearest freirnd?? rllyy???  
GG: I DON'T KNOW, ARE YOU??  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

This is tipsyGnostalgic's Digital Diary! Page: 413 Date: 08/08/10  
well digitasl diary the time has coem for us to meet oncxe more  
kets keep it hsort:  
my bffskie f4evr haaetts me  
the boys hat me as WELL  
and especially TT who shoudnl't have dated GT in the FIRST place cuz he loves ME  
...or mebe im getin that mizzef upafgain.  
whooo knoooooooows???  
asgdiyawjndfapiasdmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
Are you finished writing? Your work will be automatically saved if you remain inactive for more than fifteen minutes.  
We're sad to see you go! Come back soon!  


timeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
TT: Hey.  
TT: Hey, are you there?  
TT: GG told me you were drunk.  
TT: Are you okay?  
TT: Please start answering.  
TT: I wasn't trying to be short with you.  
TT: Maybe it would be good to talk to somebody.  
TT: Okay, you aren't responding, so I'm assuming you either fell asleep at your keyboard or left to do something drastic. Either one is not good and I'm coming over.  
TT: Maybe we can start working on that machine together?  
TT: I have all the pieces we salvaged from that rad wreckage.  
TT: We could also go adventuring, if you want. Just the two of us.  
TT: I really like your style of fighting, with your guns. A lot better than GT. Don't tell him I said that.  
TT: Ha.  
TT: Nevermind.  
TT: Anyways, in case you wake up and see this, I really care a whole fuckin lot about you, all right?  
TT: Please stop doing this to yourself.  
TT: I'll be over in a few minutes. Hang tight.  
timeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

This is tipsyGnostalgic's Digital Diary! Page: 414 Date: 08/09/10  
well digital diary  
since drunk me decided 2 use ur dippy digital ass as a complaining mechanism last night  
guess i gotta finish this page up  
so uh  
today was much better than i thought itd be.  
TT and i hung out alllll day!  
he needed a break from all the drama and wanted to spend time w ME  
//le swoon  
except platonically and shit  
//le unswoon  
but it was still p great anyways  
u know hes rlly good w a katana  
mebbe ill ask him to teach me!  
anyway  
yeah!  
not gonna die anymore or anything, lmao  
stuff might turn out ok after all  
who knows what could happen!! ;D ;D  
wow its WAY more fun than i remember 2 journal!  
y did i ever stop?  
Another day, another page in your personal story! Remember to log back in tomorrow to tell us the next chapter!  
ewww eughhh bluhh  
NOW i rmmber y i stopped usin u  
lmao  
:)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS A BITCH TO FORMAT BUT LOOK AT HOW NEAT AND TIDY IT IS
> 
> I REGRET NOTHING

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads-up. This AU is basically Gravity Falls (with a few serious changes) with the HS characters as main characters. I will attempt to carry over the realism of the characters.
> 
> I'll do my best!


End file.
